Cnotes Joke of the Day........Enjoy the day with a laugh !!

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i HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPEN TO THE OTHER PAGE BUT LETS TRY THIS AGAIN.....


John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out.


John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."


Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."


So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."


And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.


Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."


Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!!"


The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"


"Not always," answers Jessica, "only when he's drunk."
 

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:):)....TY Cnote, a good laugh always makes a day better. Thanks for all the info.
 

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Your Welcome Gang..........With all the crap going on in the world daily............. A laugh is good.......
 

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started...


joke fighting with the wife


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."
And that's when the fight started...


joke fighting with the wife


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think that a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And that's when the fight started...


joke fighting with the wife


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...


joke fighting with the wife


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started...


- Advertisement -


joke fighting with the wife


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started...
joke fighting with the wife


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And that's when the fight started...


joke fighting with the wife


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.


The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap. That must be my husband!"
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked he jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"
The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you RUNNING?"
And that's when the fight started...


joke fighting with the wife


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started...


joke fighting with the wife


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started...


joke fighting with the wife


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
 

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Joke: The Last Day


Finally, it was Ned the Mailman’s last day.


As he did his final rounds, he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by a elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars.


But at the next house he was greeted by a sexy blonde wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signaled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and proceeded to make mad passionate love to him. Ned certainly didn't mind.


She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hashbrowns. Ned was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.


Curious, he asks the blonde, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything...but…what’s the dollar for?”


“Oh,” says the blonde, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said ‘Screw him! give him a dollar!"


She beamed at him. "The breakfast part was my idea!”
 

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Joke: The Fancy Nursing Home

With their ailing mother needing constant medical supervision, a family decided to bring her to a very expensive and caring nursing home for a day to try it out.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her out. Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

This goes on all morning, with the dedicated nurses making sure the old woman doesn't fall. Later, the family arrives to see how she was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It’s very nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."
 

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Joke Today: How to Enjoy a Peaceful Marriage




A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. 'Divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn't end up fighting with all the time.'


'Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village, rumor has it that they have been married over 60 years and they never fought this whole time.'


'What?? That's impossible! Everyone has fights!' Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.


The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.


'It's true, we never fight.'


'PLEASE,' Begged the traveler, 'can you tell me your secret??'


'Well,' said the old man, 'It all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him “That's one.”.

We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: "That's two."

Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: “That's three.” pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: "What the heck do you think you're doing?? We needed that mule! Are you crazy???"


My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: "That's one."


And we haven't had a fight since.'
 

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Men, Women and The Train...


Three women and three men are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three men each buy tickets and watch as the three women buy only a single ticket. ”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the guys. ”Watch and you’ll see,” answers a woman.


All of them board the train. The men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.


The men saw this and agreed it was a clever idea. So after the conference, the men decide to copy the women on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the women don’t buy a ticket at all.

”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one of the perplexed men. ”Watch and you’ll see,” is the answer.

When they board the train the three men cram into a restroom and the three women cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the women leaves her restroom and walks over to the restroom where the men are hiding. She knocks on the door and says in a low voice, “Ticket, please.”
 

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In Alaska, a man wakes up one morning hearing noise on the roof. It's a BEAR!! So he looks in Yellow Pages for "Bear Remover" & sure enuf, there's one listed. So he calls & the bear remover shows up in a van with a ladder, baseball bat, pit bulldog & a shotgun.
House owner asks, "How's this work?"
Well, I'm gonna use this ladder to get on your roof where the bear is. When i knock the bear off, my pit bull will chomp down on the bear's nuts til i get the bear into my van.
"What's the shotgun for then?"
"If by some chance the bear should knock ME off the roof.....shoot the DOG!!"
 

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Joke: Best Reason to See a Therapist


An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.


The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'


The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'


The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.






The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and best of all....

Medicare pays $43 of it.'
 

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This Dentist is Rather Unorthodox, As You Shall See...


The other day, a gentleman went to the dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.



The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said.


The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"


The dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".


The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"


"It doesn't", said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
 

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Rude Joke: A Baby's First Visit to the Doctor




A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.


Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.


"Breast-fed," she replied.


"Well! We'll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.


She undressed and the doctor began his exam.


He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.


Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,


"No wonder this baby is underweight - you don't have any milk!"

"I know," she said. "I'm his Grandma, but I'm certainly glad I came."
 

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Have You Heard This One? Son, I Have a Secret...


One Sunday morning Michael burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.


After dinner, Michael's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk to you. Look at your mother, Michael. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. I'm afraid Susan is the result of one such affair. She is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

Michael was brokenhearted. He broke up with Susan the next day.



After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, Michael. I'm awfully sorry about this."


Michael was livid! He broke up with Diane that same day, leaving her in tears. He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared and tell her about his father's secret.


"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."


"Oh, " his mother shook her head, "What are you listening to him for? He's not even your real father."
 

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Joke: Next Floor, Please.




A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have jobs and love kids.


"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.


"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.


"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
 

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The Blonde Gambler...


A beautiful Swedish blonde walks into a Vegas casino and goes straight to the roulette table. She smiles at the two dealers and bets $20,000 on one spin.

"I hope you don't mind," she says in a dreamy voice, "but I feel much luckier naked..." and she peeled off all her clothes, staying completely naked. "Come on baby, mommy needs a new set of clothes!"


The roulette wheel stops on 13. "I won I WON!!!" Shouts the blonde and jumps in the air in excitement

She collects the winnings and her clothes, hugs the dealers and disappears.

The two dealers looked at each other in shock, until one of them pulled himself together and ask: "Did she bet on 13?"

"I don't know," said the other dealer. "I thought you were looking..."


Conclusions:

1. Not every gamble relies on luck.

2. Not all blondes are stupid.

3. But men - are always MEN!
 

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Joke Today: A Back Seat Blonde!


A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty well and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go to the back seat.

''No!'' said the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would ask again.

''NO!'' yelled the blonde again.

Things got even hotter and the blonde was down to her bra and the guy even had his pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go to the back seat now?'' asked the guy, in a hopeful tone.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde.


Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the heck not??''

The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I want to stay here with you!'
 

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Joke: Dad Gets Owned By Mom (Rude)




A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father: “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”






The father, surprised, answers. “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”






This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willys are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree - mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks.


“Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”
 

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