Forum: The Rubber Room - Serious disease and death wishes =automatic ban. No blatant socially taboo racist insults, no obscenely gross pics and ABSOLUTELY NO HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHY.

Thread: Post your funniest jokes in this thread!

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  1. #26  
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    Ole knows everybody. Ole was bragging to his boss one day, "You know
    I know everyone der is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know
    them."

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ole how about
    Tom Cruise?"

    "Sure, yes, Tom and I ver old friends, and I can prove it."

    Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door,
    and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Ole! Great to see you!

    You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

    Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
    Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was
    just lucky.


    "No, no, just name anyvon else," Ole says. ''President Obama," his
    boss quickly retorts.
    "Ya sure," Ole says, "I know him."
    We’ll fly out to Washington to see him."
    Off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Ole on the tour and
    motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was
    just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
    let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

    The boss is shaken now, but still not totally convinced. After they
    leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who
    again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.
    "Sure!" says Ole. "I've known the Pope a long time."
    The unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are
    assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; "This will
    never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell
    you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come
    out on the balcony with the Pope."

    And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Fifteen
    minutes later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

    By the time Ole returns, his boss has had a heart attack and is
    surrounded by paramedics.

    Working his way to his boss's side, Ole asks him, "What happened?"

    His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
    came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,

    'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?

























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  2. #27  
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    OSAMA JOKE

    After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

    Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted,"You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

    James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said,"This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

    Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!".

    These beatings and thrashings continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and
    66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

    As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

    The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"
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  3. #28  
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    A Love Story:

    A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

    "Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

    "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

    The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, Ireland, etc.

    The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

    He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

    The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

    "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

    "But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that. "

    "You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

    "LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR Bleep-Bleep BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG
    AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

    ...and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
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  4. #29  
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    Hillbillies at a Bar

    Two hillbillies from Tennessee walk into a bar. While having a shot of
    whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operations.

    Suddenly, a woman at nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
    cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
    distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?"
    The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to
    turn blue and shakes her head no.

    The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her
    dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her butt cheek a lap with
    his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
    obstruction flies out of her mouth.
    As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to
    the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick
    Maneuver", but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"
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  5. #30  
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    Morris

    Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi
    just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
    "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

    "Who?"

    "Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right.
    Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have
    happened like that to Dave."

    "There are always a few clouds over everybody," says
    Morris.

    "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone
    on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros.
    He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway
    star."

    "He was something, huh?"

    "He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's
    birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with.
    He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and
    I black out the whole neighborhood."

    "No wonder you remember him."

    "Well, I never actually met Dave."

    "Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

    "Because I married his widow."
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  6. #31  
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    Life in God's Country

    With the wind chill outside now at 30 below zero in southern Wisconsin, this conversion chart seems timely:

    Wisconsin Temperature Conversion Chart:

    60 degrees F: Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably.
    People in Wisconsin sunbathe.

    50 F: New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
    People in Wisconsin plant gardens.

    40 F: Italian & English cars won't start.
    People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down.

    32 F: Distilled water freezes.
    The water at Lake Mendota in Madison starts getting cooler.

    20 F: Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
    People in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt, buttons open.

    15 F: New York City landlords finally turn up the heat.
    People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets cold.

    0 F: All the people in Miami die.
    Wisconsinites close the windows.

    10 below zero: Californians escape en masse to Mexico.
    Girl Scouts in Wisconsin sell cookies door to door.

    25 below zero: Las Vegas disintegrates.
    People in Wisconsin rummage around the attic to find some winter coats.

    40 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air.
    People in Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.

    100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
    Some Wisconsinites are frustrated when they can't start their cars .

    460 below zero (absolute zero on the Kelvin Scale): All atomic motion
    stops..
    People in Wisconsin start saying . . . "Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

    500 below zero: Hell freezes over.
    The Brewers win World Series
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  7. #32  
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    I got home after drinking and told my wife I got a new Tattoo, I said i had the words "I love You" put on my penis, looking pissed my wife says, quit trying to put words in my mouth.....
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  8. #33  
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    An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread,
    butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

    The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

    "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

    American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

    French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat
    what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform
    them into croissants and sell them to the States."

    The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.

    The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

    American: "Of Course."

    Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't.
    In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds,
    and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
    them into jam and sell the jam to the States."

    The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

    Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

    American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

    Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

    American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to France.
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  9. #34  
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    Bubba and Billy Bob

    Bubba and Billy Bob, who are from WV, travel to Kentucky to visit a
    relative. They are walking along the street, and they see a sign on a
    store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50
    per pair.

    "Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, "Look here! We could buy
    a whole gob of these, take 'em back to WV, sell 'em to our friends, and
    make a fortune. Now when we go in there, you be quiet, okay? Just let me
    do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're
    ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow
    Kentucky drawl so's they don't know."

    They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Kentucky drawl,
    "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts
    at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at
    $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......."

    The owner of the shop
    interrupts, "Ya'll are from WV, ain't yah?"
    "Well...yeah,"
    says a surprised Bubba......... "How come you know that?"
    The owner says, "Because this is a dry-cleaners."
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  10. #35  
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    Subject: Three Old Ladies at the Ball Game


    This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
    Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.
    They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park.
    The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing
    the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
    Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of
    innings to go.
    Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are
    on base?



    Think!




    Answer: it's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded........
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  11. #36  
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    Hockey Humor

    At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7 year old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

    "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

    "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.

    The coach continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole,' is it?'' Again the little boy nodded.

    "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
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  12. #37  
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    Is it a Fix?

    The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in
    the area around Crowley, and duly dispatched the infamous detective Boudreaux to
    investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning.


    "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.



    "Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.



    Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."



    Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"



    "Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat cock fight. I knowed the
    Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."



    The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"



    Boudreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when
    summbody bet on de duck."



    "Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"



    "De duck won."
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  13. #38  
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    Social Security Sex

    Two women were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

    "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex,"

    "Social Security sex?"

    "Yeah, you know:
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    I get a little each month, but not
    enough to live on!"
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  14. #39  
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    Gunfighter

    In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

    Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

    The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

    "Sure will," said the old-timer.

    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"

    "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
    "You bet it will," said the old-timer.

    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

    "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

    "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."
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  15. #40  
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    Lecturer

    A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

    To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.



    "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.



    "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.



    "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.



    "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand.



    The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."



    The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.



    The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."



    The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said, 'Goats'!"
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  16. #41  
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    Hollywood Squares

    If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics. These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous
    and clever. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

    Q. Do female frogs croak?
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

    Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should
    you be?
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

    Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

    Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or
    a woman?
    A. Don Knotts: Thats whats been keeping me awake.

    Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think
    that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if hes
    married?
    A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

    Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

    Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say I Love You?
    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

    Q. What are Do It, I Can Help, and I Can’t Get Enough?
    A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

    Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
    hands while talking?
    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll
    give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

    Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
    A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to
    get any during the first year?
    A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

    Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist
    camps. One is politics, what is the other?
    A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

    Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

    Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
    A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a
    goose do?
    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

    Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into
    the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

    Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

    Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his
    head, what was he trying to do?
    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

    Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
    elephant?
    A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

    Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
    A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
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  18. #43  
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    Quote Originally Posted by exploited17 View Post
    Q: Would a white or black kindergartner have a bigger dick?
    A: The black one because he's 20.


    How did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to do an essay

    Where do you send Jewish kids with Attention Deficit Disorder? Concentration Camp!




    Omg, sick, yet funny
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  19. #44  
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    On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane. Then a American Indian man stands up at the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....

    one button at a time. .......

    No one moves. ..

    He removes his shirt. ......

    Muscles ripple across his chest. ......

    She gasps.........

    He whispers: .....

    "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."
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  20. #45  
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    Man and his wife are fighting, she found out he’s been cheating. He doesn’t care anymore and keeps pounding away at shots of whiskey. He passes out. As he lays there, she cuts off his penis and throws it out the window onto the street. At that moment, a mini van with a father and his 10 year old daughter are driving by. The bloody penis hits the windshield and rolls away. The stunned father hesitates, but ask his daughter, “ Honey, did you see that”? Yes daddy, what was that? That was a bug, honey. Daddy, that was a bug? Yes honey, that was a bug. Wow daddy, that bug had a big dick!
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  21. #46  
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    T.G.I.F. vs. S.H.I.T.

    A businessman got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright "T-G-I-F".

    He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T".

    She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F" more slowly.

    He again answered, "S-H-I-T". The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F".

    The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T".

    The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "T-G-I-F" means "Thank Goodness It's Friday". Get it, duuhhh?

    The man answered, "S-H-I-T" means "Sorry Honey It's Thursday."
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  22. #47  
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    Ever wonder what the Super power is for marvels black panther? It's his ability to get welfare checks from white america
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    THE INHERITANCE

    Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father
    dies, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
    Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

    "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week
    or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars and would
    like to have someone to share it with."

    The woman went home with Charles,

    and the next day she became his stepmother.
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  24. #49  
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    > CHINESE PROVERBS
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who run in front of car get tired
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who run behind car get exhausted.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
    organ.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man with one chopstick go hungry.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
    > Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
    > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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  25. #50  
    RX Junior
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
    Location
    OK
    Posts
    227
    What does 80 year old p**sy taste like?

    Depends
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