Forum: The Rubber Room - Serious disease and death wishes =automatic ban. No blatant socially taboo racist insults, no obscenely gross pics and ABSOLUTELY NO HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHY.

Thread: Post your funniest jokes in this thread!

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  1. #51  
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    Perspective

    A twenty-one-year-old young woman tells her Mother that she has missed her period for two months.


    Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that she is pregnant.

    Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the swine who did this to you? I want to know!"

    The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.

    He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family circumstances, but I'll take charge.

    "If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

    "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

    "If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

    At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."
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  2. #52  
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    11 Minutes

    A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting.

    He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls the window down.

    "Yes officer?"

    "I have to ask you, what are you doing?"

    "Well sir, I am reading a magazine."

    "What about the young lady in the backseat?"

    The young man turns to look behind him. "Well, I think she is knitting a pullover sweater."

    "How old are you young man?" the officer asks.

    "I am 25 Officer."

    "And the girl?"

    The young man looks at his watch. "Well, she'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
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  3. #53  
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    He wore skinny white jeans
    No participation,No contribution...Just a talk to yourself fantasy thread....Lonely,SINGLE Justin Cruise.
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  4. #54  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greenbacks View Post
    He wore skinny white jeans
    Mic drop😆
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  5. #55  
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    A TEXAS MIDGET

    There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

    The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

    The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.

    The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

    "Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle and he asked the midget to cough again.


    "Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors.
    Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
    The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.


    The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

    The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

    The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

    The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

    The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
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  6. #56  
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    He's 31 years old
    He's the CEO of Taco Bell
    He owns 7 houses
    He has a private jet
    He has 7 $million in the bank
    He's a part time poker pro
    He's married to a super model

    But he lives at home with mom & dad
    No participation,No contribution...Just a talk to yourself fantasy thread....Lonely,SINGLE Justin Cruise.
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  7. #57  
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    Quote Originally Posted by pfossil View Post
    Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
    Answer: Princess Diana's death.

    Question: How come?
    Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
    This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....That, my friend, is Globalization.
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  8. #58  
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    They call him the 4 C's

    Combative
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    No participation,No contribution...Just a talk to yourself fantasy thread....Lonely,SINGLE Justin Cruise.
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  9. #59  
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    Young Doctor

    A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite
    embarrassed performing female pelvic exams.

    To cover his
    embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

    The middle-aged lady upon whom he was
    performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
    and further embarrassed him.

    He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

    She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was

    "I wish .... I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
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  10. #60  
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    WOMAN'S WORDS

    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

    WOMEN'S REVENGE

    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
    wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
    control for a television set in her purse.

    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

    "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
    so I figured this was the most legal evi! l thing I could do to him"

    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling
    hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the
    hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

    MARRIAGE SEMINAR

    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and
    his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and
    wives know the things that are important to each other."

    He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

    Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
    Pillsbury, isn't it?
    The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.

    WIFE VS HUSBAND

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
    earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
    wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
    goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

    WORDS

    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
    women use a day... 30,000 to! a man's 15,000.
    The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to
    repeat everything to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

    STUPID AND BEAUTIFUL

    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
    so beautiful all at the same time. "

    The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you
    would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to
    you!

    COFFEE

    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew
    the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because
    you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

    The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
    should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
    Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
    the man should do the coffee."
    Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
    at the! top of several pages, that it indeed says, ..... "HEBREWS"
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  11. #61  
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    ATTORNEY

    The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed
    good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

    "May I help you?" she asked.

    "I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

    "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
    someone else," said the madam.

    "No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.

    Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged
    $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar
    bills gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly
    left.

    The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
    Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too
    expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

    Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went
    upstairs After an hour, he left.

    The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that
    he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went
    upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.

    "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she
    asked.

    The man replied, "South Carolina."

    "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

    "I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney.
    She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

    The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

    1. Death
    2. Taxes
    3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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  12. #62  
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    COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

    > ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    > COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

    > ABBOTT: Mac?

    > COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

    > ABBOTT: Your computer?

    > COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

    > ABBOTT: Mac?

    > COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

    > ABBOTT: What about Windows?

    > COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

    > ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

    > COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

    > ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

    > COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

    > ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

    > COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write

    > proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

    > ABBOTT: Office.

    > COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

    > ABBOTT: I just did.

    > COSTELLO: You just did what?

    > ABBOTT: Recommend something.

    > COSTELLO: You recommended something?

    > ABBOTT: Yes.

    > COSTELLO: For my office?

    > ABBOTT: Yes.

    > COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

    > ABBOTT: Office.

    > COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

    > ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

    > COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

    > ABBOTT: Word.

    > COSTELLO: What word?

    > ABBOTT: Word in Office.

    > COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

    > ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    > COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

    > ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

    > COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with

    > some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

    > ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

    > COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of

    > your business. Just tell me what I need!

    > ABBOTT: Real One.

    > COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

    > ABBOTT: Of course.

    > COSTELLO: Great! With what?

    > ABBOTT: Real One.

    > COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

    > ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."

    > COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

    > ABBOTT: The blue "1."

    > COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

    > ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W"

    > is Word.

    > COSTELLO: What word?

    > ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

    > COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

    > ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

    > COSTELLO: It is?

    > ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

    > COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

    > ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even

    > part of Office.

    > COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial

    > bookkeeping?

    > You have anything I can track my money with?

    > ABBOTT: Money.

    > COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

    > ABBOTT: Money.

    > COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

    > ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer

    > COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

    > ABBOTT: Money.

    > COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

    > ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

    > COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?

    > How much?

    > ABBOTT: One copy.

    > COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

    > ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

    > COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

    > ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    >

    > A FEW DAYS LATER . .

    >

    > ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

    > COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

    > ABBOTT: Click on "START".....
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  13. #63  
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    There was a woman walking down the street,she came upon a man selling dicks, she decided to find out how much they cost. the man say's we have these big ones for 100 dollars, these medium ones for 75 dollars and these small ones for 50. She goes home and tells her husband about it. The husband asked if they had any like his, the wife answers yes they were 3 for a dollar.
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  14. #64  
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    A WOMAN AT A HARDWARE STORE

    This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store....

    Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent
    his wife Mary Louise to the hardware store.

    At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
    while she was waiting for Joe Bob, the manager, to finish waiting on a
    customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot.
    Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

    "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.

    Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and
    Joe Bob went to the backroom to find it. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled,
    "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

    To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
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  15. #65  
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    Redneck Love Poem

    Susie Lee done fell in love;

    She planned to marry Joe.

    She was so happy 'bout it all

    She told her Pappy so.

    Pappy told her, "Susie gal,

    You'll have to find another.

    I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,

    But Joe is yo' half brother"

    So Susie put aside her Joe

    And planned to marry Will.

    But after telling Pappy this,

    He said, "There's trouble still...

    You can't marry Will, my gal.,

    And please don't tell your Mother,

    But Will and Joe and several mo'

    I know is yo' half brother"

    But Mama knew and said, "My child,

    Just do what makes yo' happy.

    Marry Will or marry Joe.

    You ain't no kin to Pappy.
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  16. #66  
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    Who said men aren't sensitive?

    A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and the end up leaving together. The couple goes back to his place.

    He shows her around his apartment, and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears:

    Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,......

    Cuddly medium-sized ones on a middle shelf, and...

    Huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

    The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that is so
    extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side.

    She turns to him, invitingly...she gazes into his eyes, and they begin to kiss...which leads to them romantically remove each other's clothes. This of course leads to hot passion and steamy love.

    After a very intense night they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over lovingly and asks, "Well, how was it for you?"

    The guy yawns and says; "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.
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  17. #67  
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    KIDS INTERVIEWED ABOUT MARRIAGE:
    WHO SHOULD YOU MARRY?


    ( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
    -- Alan, age 10

    ( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
    -- Kirsten, age 10

    WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

    ( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
    -- Camille, age 10

    ( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
    -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

    HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

    ( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
    -- Derrick, age 8

    WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

    ( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
    -- Lori, age 8

    WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

    ( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
    -- Lynnette, age 8

    ( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
    -- Martin, age 10

    WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

    ( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
    -- Craig, age 9

    WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

    ( 1 ) When they're rich.
    -- Pam, age 7

    ( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
    -- Curt, age 7

    ( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
    -- Howard, age 8

    IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

    ( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
    -- Theodore, age 8

    ( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
    -- Anita, age 9

    HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

    ( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
    -- Kelvin, age 8

    And the #1 Favorite is........


    HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

    ( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
    -- Ricky, age 10
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  18. #68  
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    A siege ��*♀️ and sunshine ☀️ thread babahahhahahahhahahahhahaahahahhahahaha. I bet you these two would get along great
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  19. #69  
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    I’m stuck between tmader7 lying about being worth $38 million, and Mobdeeper making picks after the event happens .
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  20. #70  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mobdeeper7239 View Post
    A siege ��*♀️ and sunshine ☀️ thread babahahhahahahhahahahhahaahahahhahahaha. I bet you these two would get along great
    Look at this shit stain finally showed his face... I clear more in one play gambling than your entire welfare check loser. How many winning tickets did you have on the Belmont stakes? Lol now that the race is over of course
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  21. #71  
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    Bahahahaha
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  22. #72  
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    Siege thinking he is #1 capper here. BIG JOKE
    stanfordsam hiding in siege jockstrap.
    These two are the BIGGEST jokes I have seen in a long time.
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  23. #73  
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    lol stockroach coming in to rescue his fraud friends once again
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  24. #74  
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    Quote Originally Posted by StanfordSam View Post
    lol stockroach coming in to rescue his fraud friends once again
    As are you dumb ass? You have jumped out of sieges jock strap to help him more times than I can count. Move along little boy, stop mentioning my name trying to get attention fucking troll.
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  25. #75  
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    Quote Originally Posted by stock07 View Post
    As are you dumb ass? You have jumped out of sieges jock strap to help him more times than I can count. Move along little boy, stop mentioning my name trying to get attention fucking troll.
    Not trying to get attention. Just calling out bullshit as I see fit.
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