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Thread: Post your funniest jokes in this thread!

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  1. #126  
    RX Senior stock07's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by UnderSiege View Post
    I silenced you for weeks, I dominated for so long that you disappeared. What does that say about you and the fact that you are even here right now trying to step to me?
    Maybe he was on a cruise while you were refreshing for weeks seeing if anyone paid attention to you.
    Fucking Brazil
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  2. #127  
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    Still not sure what you contribute here?
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  3. #128  
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    Quote Originally Posted by stock07 View Post
    Maybe he was on a cruise while you were refreshing for weeks seeing if anyone paid attention to you.
    Fucking Brazil
    How much did you lose? Glad I didnt bet it.
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  4. #129  
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunshine11 View Post
    How much did you lose? Glad I didnt bet it.
    You kidding I dont bet on that garbage?
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  5. #130  
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    Quote Originally Posted by UnderSiege View Post
    Still not sure what you contribute here?
    Lmfao. All the shit you bring isn’t worth it. You’re a decent capper at best. But you bring a ton of negativity and beef with you. Trying to fight everyone to gain a name for yourself. That’s not the way. Still you will never duplicate or match what I have shared at this forum regardless if you didn’t bring negativity and beef. But you simply do not contribute anything that’s worth it. The negativity and problems you inflict overwhelms your shoddy capping skills.
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  6. #131  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mobdeeper7239 View Post
    Still you will never duplicate or match what I have shared at this forum
    Off the top of my head, I don't recall anything earthshattering that you have shared. Got a top 10 to refresh me?
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  7. #132  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cheddar View Post
    Off the top of my head, I don't recall anything earthshattering that you have shared. Got a top 10 to refresh me?
    LMAO in this guys own sad world he thinks he has done something around here. While posting zero picks. Its delusional.
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  8. #133  
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    Quote Originally Posted by UnderSiege View Post
    LMAO in this guys own sad world he thinks he has done something around here. While posting zero picks. Its delusional.

    Are you really that mentally challenged to not realize you have been here for not even a YEAR bahahahahhahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahhahahhahahahahahhahahhahahhahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahhaahahhahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahhahaaahahhahahahahahahhahabahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahhahahahah and I have been here 11 years bahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahaahahhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha

    11 years to not even 1 year. So tell us again what you said....
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  9. #134  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cheddar View Post
    Off the top of my head, I don't recall anything earthshattering that you have shared. Got a top 10 to refresh me?

    I have ave been here 11 fucking years bruh compared to not even 1 full year from this disgraceful piece of carrot shit. 11 to not even 1. Lmaooooooooo. My place is cemented in history. I don’t even have to post another play again and I’m still a legend that’s just fact with what I know and what I’ve shared.
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  10. #135  
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mobdeeper7239 View Post
    I have ave been here 11 fucking years bruh compared to not even 1 full year from this disgraceful piece of carrot shit. 11 to not even 1. Lmaooooooooo. My place is cemented in history. I donít even have to post another play again and Iím still a legend thatís just fact with what I know and what Iíve shared.
    Hahahaha yea you got one thing right, your reputation as a racist retard is definitely cemented in history. You and Tmader should start hanging out together. He call tell you how much money he has and you can tell him what a legend you are LMAO legend my fuckng ass!
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  11. #136  
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    A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
    The grasshopper looks surprised and asks, "You have a drink named Steve?"
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  12. #137  
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    Q: What has more lives than a cat?
    A: A frog -- it croaks every night.
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  13. #138  
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    lol
    not mine but I liked it:
    A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
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  14. #139  
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    A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"
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  15. #140  
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    Me to is getting so bad that Caityln Jenner is reporting that Bruce touched her for years
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  16. #141  
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    The Lone Ranger

    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

    The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

    The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

    As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

    She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

    The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse one more time,...but .alone."

    The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

    "Listen

    very

    carefully .......

    for

    the

    last

    time .......

    I said.....

    "BRING POSSE"
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  17. #142  
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    HEAD

    A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!


    But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
    After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
    With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
    Swoooop! A torso pops out!
    The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
    The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
    Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
    The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son on to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
    The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
    Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
    The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
    The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left...then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

    The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...




    "He should have quit while he was a head!"
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  18. #143  
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    bob and bill were always friends an they Loved to play baseball. bob said to bill,when we Die do U think they play baseball in Heaven if we get there? Bill said maybe. SO whoever Dies ist,then you or i will try to contact the other . SO bill died an Bob was in church crying and out of a Cloud Bill appeared and, Bill said remember our deal, oh yeah and i have Good and Bad news.Bob said ok what is it, yup they play baseball in Heaven.so bob said so wheres the bad news. Bob you are the starting Pitcher Sunday!!
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  19. #144  
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    Dear Employees

    Cleaned up to post here.

    Dear Employees: It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

    1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
    INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
    2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
    INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b__ch.
    3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
    INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
    4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
    INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.
    5) TRY SAYING: Really?
    INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh__ing me!
    6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
    INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
    7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
    INSTEAD OF: It's not my f______ problem.
    8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
    INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
    9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
    INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
    10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
    INSTEAD OF: Why the h___ didn't you tell me sooner?
    11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
    INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
    12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
    INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
    13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
    INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
    14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
    INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I'm on salary.
    15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
    INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
    16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
    INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
    17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
    INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?
    18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
    INSTEAD OF: He's a pr__k.

    Thank You,
    Human Resources
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  20. #145  
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    What do all battered women have in common?

    THEY DON'T LISTEN.
    I would rather have a grand-daughter working in a cathouse than have a grandson playing for the Yankees. Those that have no respect for the Flag, were never handed a folded one.
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  21. #146  
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    The Preacher

    A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.


    Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

    The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending
    the deceased to the great beyond in style.

    As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
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  22. #147  
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    Anniversary Present (a Taser)

    This was submitted by a guy who thoughtfully bought his lovely wife a "pocket taser" for their anniversary. Don't be drinking liquids when you read this, I'm warning you.
    ==============================
    Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. I bought something really cool for my wife, Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety -- way too cool!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.

    Awesome!!! but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
    would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that; a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
    three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY GUACAMOLE! DANG!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

    SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
    my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs., I'm pretty sure.

    By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.

    Still in shock,
    Tommy
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