"The Fat, Old, and White NBA"

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Another Day, Another Dollar
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It is time for an affirmative action program in the National Basketball League. Overweight, aging, white players are severely under represented. As a matter of fact, in the entire National Basketball League, there is not a single one. Something must be done to correct this inequity.

The National Football League has already addressed this type of discrimination. Black football coaches must be interviewed for coaching positions. There is no requirement that black coaches be hired, only interviewed. This is neither affirmative nor is it action. The plight of the older, fat, white basketball player is so acute, so extreme, that drastic action is needed.

First, all the best black players in the NBA must be assigned to carry a fat, old white guy on their back. This will level the playing field. Next, all the black players not assigned to carry white players must wear weight suits. These weights will be adjusted so that all players can jump to the same height. Black players will have to donate a percentage of their salaries to help pay the fat, old whites.

Old, fat, white guys have always gotten the short end of the stick. It is high time past inequities were corrected. Fat, old, white guys are objects of derision on television and in the movies. All the bad guys on TV and in movies are also old, fat, white and, often, stupid. Skinny, handsome black guys catch the fat, old whites doing all kinds of terrible things. Time for the fat ones to stop being pushed around.

Sleek, young black players now thunder down basketball courts. Think how wonderful they will look carrying a two hundred and fifty-pound hunk of white lard on their backs. Let the white guys caress the ball with pudgy fingers, shoot free throws. Share some of the glory.

It’s been a long time between drinks for the fat, the old and the white. No sweet young things get invited up to the old guys’ hotel rooms. Even if allegations were made, who would believe them? There’s not that much Viagra in Colorado. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

Detroit Lions President Matt Millen was recently fined $200,000. His offense? He hired a coach without interviewing any blacks. Our new NBA can top that. Any black player who drops his fat, old, white guy can also get fined. Call it a dump shot. Maybe two hundred grand is a little stiff (no pun intended). It has to be enough to make the highly skilled blacks think twice about ditching their fat, old white guys. We have to be fair.

Some people will say that blacks have been carrying whites on their backs long enough. Maybe they have a point. However, when inequality exists, it’s up to every person to correct it. Maybe someone else has some different ideas.

Maybe the back players could roll their white fatties around in wheel chairs. There could be designated shooters, like the designated hitters in baseball. If the old, the fat and the white didn’t make it the first time, maybe they should get a second chance.

Of course, all this is ridiculous. No more, however, than the provision demanding fines for not interviewing black coaches. How about coaches of Mexican descent? Mongolian descent? Polish? Irish?

It seems a bit much.

Sport should be the last refuge of excellence. Otherwise, why play the game? Anyone can win if they cheat or make up new rules as they go along. Sports are supposed to be fun to watch and to play. When race is injected into the equation, who knows where it will end?

Rush Limbaugh has recently resigned for saying that the media wanted black quarterbacks to succeed. Therefore they were playing up Eagle’s quarterback Donovan McNabb. In sports, everyone’s entitled to an opinion, no matter how ridiculous. McNabb resents this slur on his playing ability. Wesley Clark and Howard Dean wanted Limbaugh fired. Limbaugh proved foot in mouth disease is common. So he quit. McNabb is a great player by any standard. Forget about all that.

The NFL has its act together, fining team presidents for not interviewing the right people. Let’s get the NBA on board. Imagine all those fat, old white guys, the carrying, the dropping, the dump shots.

What a great game. Maybe we can come up with some new rules next week. What about fairness to midgets? Dwarves? After all, it’s only fair.

Isn’t it?

http://www.chronwatch.com/editorial/contentDisplay.asp?aid=4477
 

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