Don't let the smile fool you. The NBA Finals may involve a conspiracy that goes to the highest levels of...well, at least David Stern's office.
David Stern has done it again.
The NBA's diminutive dictator has once more engineered matters brilliantly. Not since Patrick Ewing's dog-eared envelope magically fell to the Knicks in 1985, allowing Saint Patrick to issue thrilling (if unfulfilled) playoff guarantees in the nation's largest TV market for years to come, has Stern pulled the strings so masterfully.
Now Stern has landed a Lakers-Pistons matchup in the NBA finals that again makes the game must-see TV. Who could resist a meeting between the swaggering Lakers and the plucky descendents of the Bad Boys, the team that first made "playoff foul" part of the lexicon?
Some leagues might have rested on their laurels after simply ensuring that Hollywood's darlings, the Lakers, made it to the Finals. That took some serious machinations as it was.
First Derek Fisher managed to catch the ball, wave to Dyan Cannon, rise for a jump shot and drain a lefty heave all with 0.4 seconds left in Game 5 against the Spurs, thanks perhaps in part to one of Stern's many minions working the clock.
Then the Timberwolves had to rebound from a tough seven-game series against the Kings to immediately host the rested Lakers, since keeping a tight schedule is clearly so important in an NBA playoff season that has already lasted longer than the run of Friends.
How Stern managed to sideline T'wolves point guard Sam Cassell so that Minnesota was basically down to Kevin Garnett, Latrell Sprewell and some extras from the movie Eddie is a mystery that will long be dissected on the History Channel.
So that means the Lakers are here, with two-court threat Kobe Bryant, the Big Aristotle, Shaquille O'Neal, and the two latest entrants in the old-guys-giving-up-the-money-in-search-of-a-ring sweepstakes, Karl Malone and Gary Payton. Whenever those four get too angry at each other to play, here comes Fisher or even Kareem Rush to play the Robert Horry role of guys who do nothing all year until hitting killer 3s in the playoffs.
This means that the Lakers will win in a breeze, right?
Well, that's exactly what Stern wants you to think. Does anyone honestly believe that nobody in the Eastern Conference, with the possible exception of Richard Hamilton, can hit an open 17-foot jump shot?
No, it's all part of the master plan.When the Pistons win in seven, pundits everywhere will proclaim it one of the great upsets in NBA history. The league will be back, and Stern can sit back and smile as the NBA continues toward its goal of world domination.
When the Paris Fromages go for the title in 2014 behind player-coach Tony Parker, they will call on this year's remarkable Pistons upset for motivation.
Really, can there be any other way to explain the Eastern Conference Finals than a huge set-up to make the nation convinced that the Lakers can't lose? Surely both teams wouldn't have scored in the 60s in Tuesday's Game 6 clincher if they were both, say, trying to score on every possession.
The most dangerous person on the floor Tuesday night was Kid Rock, when he swooped around the court unguarded during a late timeout waving a Pistons flag. Here's betting that Stern can cook up something between Kid and ex Pamela Anderson for the Finals, like a halftime reconciliation complete with steamy Internet-ready love scenes. (Please, don't pretend you didn't see the Pamela-Tommy Lee tape.)
As Stern might correctly point out, though, low-scoring games aren't necessarily boring. What was the final score during basketball's greatest-ever game, when Jimmy Chitwood hit an elbow jumper at the buzzer to lead tiny Hickory High to the 1954 Indiana state championship over heavily favored South Bend Central? 42-40.
Sure, cynics might note that game was only 32 minutes long and played without a shot clock. Really cynical folks might point out that the game wasn't actually real. (The final score of the actual Hoosiers game was 32-30 and took place in 1952.)
Yet the Stern-as-mastermind theory is surely more compelling than conventional wisdom, which is that once again the Eastern Conference team has no chance of beating the best from the West.
It's easy to see how one might fall into that trap, given that the Pistons averaged a measly 75.2 points against the Pacers. Even if Detroit wins a game or two in the Finals, many fans might figure that the dysfunctional Lakers are merely messing around before recovering to cut down the nets, whereupon Malone and Payton will say that the ring now completes their careers and Kobe will affirm that he still hates Shaq and coach Phil Jackson and wants out of L.A.
What's the point in watching that if one isn't a Lakers fan? None.
Yet imagine the drama if the Pistons force Game 7, with the whole nation tuning in to see if the upset of the century can be completed. When that happens, expect to see Stern sitting courtside, smiling that Cheshire-cat grin.
Because Stern has done more than imagine it. He has made it happen, and kudos for that.
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