Just for laughs

I was looking through my saved emails for some to make a friend laugh and I came across this one, some of you may have seen this before but regardless it's still funny as hell!

If Santa answered his mail honestly.........
> > >
> > > Dear Santa,
> > > I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all
> yeer.
> > > Yer Frend,
> > > Billy
> > >
> > > Dear Billy,
> > > Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
> about I
> > > send you a f**king book so you can learn to read and write? I'm
> giving
> > > your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
> > > ~Santa
> > > _____________________________________________________________
> > > Dear Santa,
> > > I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
> peace
> > > and joy in the world for everybody!
> > > Love,
> > > Sarah
> > >
> > > Dear Sarah,
> > > You're parents smoked a lot of pot when they had you, didn't they?
> > > Santa
> > > _____________________________________________________________
> > > Dear Santa,
> > > I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
> >mommy
> > > and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
> > > Love,
> > > Teddy
> > >
> > > Dear Teddy,
> > > Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
> >hurricane.
> > > Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid
> mom,
> >who
> > > rides his as* constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me
> get
> >you
> > > some nice Legos instead.
> > > Santa
> > > ___________________________________________
> > > Dear Santa,
> > > I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
> for
> > > your reindeer outside the back door.
> > > Love,
> > > Susan
> > >
> > > Dear Susan,
> > > Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face
> >when
> > > I'm riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
> bottle
> >of
> > > scotch.
> > > Santa
> > > _____________________________________________________________
> > > Dear Santa,
> > > What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
> toys?
> > > Your friend,
> > > Thomas
> > >
> > > Dear Thomas,
> > > All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
> spend
> > > most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking
> >myself
> > > silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing
> money
> >at
> > > the craps table.
> > > Hey, you wanted to know.
> > > Santa
> > > _____________________________________________________________
> > > Dear Santa,
> > > Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
> awake,
> > > like in the song?
> > > Love,
> > > Jessica
> > >
> > > Dear Jessica,
> > > Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
> skipping
> > > your house.
> > > Santa
> > > _____________________________________________________________
> > > Dear Santa,
> > > I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
> >PLEASE
> > > could I have one?
> > > Timmy
> > >
> > > Dear Timmy,
> > > That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that cr*p
> doesn't
> > > work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
> > > Santa
> > > _____________________________________________________________
> > > Dearest Santa,
> > > We don't have a chimney in our house, so how will you get into our
> home?
> > > Love,
> > > Marky
> > >
> > > Dear Mark,
> > > First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
> as*
> > > whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a
> > > low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
> all
> > > the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams,
> > > Santa

How about this one?

If you work in an office with lots of people, chances are that you work with a person who hangs pictures up that their kids have drawn. The pictures are always of some stupid flower or a tree with wheels. These pictures suck; I could draw pictures much better. In fact, I can spell, do math and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:



First of all, I don't even know what this is.
If it's supposed to be a dog, then it's the
shittiest dog I've ever seen. F Megan, age 4

You spelled America wrong asshole. Also, I
could have sworn America's colors were red,
white and blue. There's no yellow anywhere, traitor. F
Kyle,age 8

Holy shit, I almost had a seizure when I saw
is one. Three words: too many colors. Also,
eggs aren't supposed to have ears, dipshit. F
Lisa, age 6




This one wouldn't be too bad if the color was
kept inside the lines, you picked a new
perspective, used non-abrasive colors and asked someone with talent to paint it for you. On one
hand I want to give an A for effort but... F
Bryce, age 10




More crappy children's art work


The premise: I can draw better, spell better, and run faster than your kids. So being that my skills are obviously superior to those of children, I've taken the liberty to judge art work done by other kids on the internet. I'll be assigning a grade A through F for each piece:



Ding Ding! Here comes the shit-mobile.
I've never seen a fire truck that needed
to be shaved. I would rather be burned to death

than be saved by this hairy piece of shit. F
Jon, age 8
That's interesting, everyone in this
picture is white. Even the rainbow is
white. Perhaps in an ideal world,

everyone would be white isn't that right,
Rachel? Or should I call you RACIST? Nice
try, Hitler. F

Rachel, age 7

This one would receive an "A" if the
assignment was to throw as much random
shit onto a paper as poorly as you can.

I've pissed patterns on snow that look
more coherent than this. F

Jason, age 6

This was a Christmas gift from Kelly to
her parents. Good job Kelly, now pack up
your shit and find a foster home.

If my kids tried to pass this off as a gift,
they'd come home from school and find all
their shit outside in a box. What a lousy
gift, seriously. You give them video
games and toys, and they give you some
half-assed drawing with a crooked tree. I
wonder how much a gift like this would
set someone back. Five, maybe ten minutes
to find a napkin and some markers? F

Kelly, age 9