Vegas' seven deadliest sins
By Steve Friess
Special to the Tribune
Published March 13, 2005
LAS VEGAS -- The trouble with a lot of travel journalism is that the audience primarily reads upbeat prose about how terrific a destination is and advice on what can't-miss spots to hit. A few swipes are inevitably laced in for a measure of balance, but if a city is worthy of too much criticism, then why bother writing about it at all?
Vegas is different. Everybody's going anyway. Or, at least, a record 41 million people flew in last year. Most visitors know what's rightfully atop their to-do lists: Bellagio's fountains! The Venetian's gondoliers! Cirque du Soleil! The new and improved Forum Shops!
Yet Vegas is loaded with bad choices too. Since the average visitor pops in for a quick weekend, making wrong turns can be a huge waste of time and money. And nothing is more shameful than wasting money in Vegas that could instead be fed into the greedy mouths of slot machines.
Thus, what follows is a fair warning. These are one long-time resident's highly opinionated picks for Vegas' seven worst mistakes—and what outrageously underrated activity to do in their place.
1. Views from the top
Avoid: The Stratosphere (2000 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 702-380-7777). People go here because it's somewhat obvious and because the sole raison d'etre of this Seattle Space Needle rip-off ($9) is to provide a bird's-eye view of the city. Trouble is, it's expensive, the waits can be excruciatingly long at peak times, and there are several better vantage points on the Strip. The revolving Top of the World restaurant is a costly debacle, too, with dull food and an even more boring view of flat terrain for much of the hour it takes to go around. The tower does have one thing going for it: The thrill rides are the city's terrifying best.
Instead try: Mix, at THEhotel at Mandalay Bay (3950 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 702-632-7777). This new bar-lounge at the Strip's other end gives you everything you can see from the Stratosphere, except closer up. Plus, its $750,000 chandelier made of 13,000 pieces of blown glass is a spectacle in itself, as are the ladies' toilets and men's urinals that stare right out over the skyline. What's more, it's free before 10 p.m. every night ($20 cover thereafter).
2. Romantic getaways
Avoid: The Casino Gold deal at the Imperial Palace (3535 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 702-731-3311). The IP thrives mainly because of its center-Strip location, but that's no excuse for blowing $85 a night for a weekend of tramping through an obnoxious casino with a section where cards are dealt by low-rent Elvis and Michael Jackson impersonators. The Casino Gold package—which wisely replaces their notoriously horrific room-of-mirrors-everywhere Luv Tub offerings of years past—includes a gym day pass that's invalid on Fridays and Saturdays, passes to a squalid buffet that's invalid for dinner and a why-bother $5 blackjack matchplay. Granted, the newly updated deluxe rooms are more palatable and the free passes to the auto collection are worth a half-hour of fun.
Instead try: The Westin Casuarina Hotel and Spa (160 E. Flamingo Rd.; 702-836-9775). OK, so there's no "package" deal available at the moment (rooms start at $109), but you can't beat those Heavenly Beds and Baths for comfort and class. Even better, the location's at least as good as the IP's, a two-minute walk from the corner of Flamingo and the Strip where stands the Bellagio, Caesars Palace and Bally's. The Westin is the newest incarnation of what was once the Maxim, a rundown, skanky slum. The new owners have poured real money into the place, turning a run-of-the-mill cafe into the surprisingly solid Silver Peak Grill. The just-opened resident show, the Strip parody "Forbidden Vegas," is also a scream.
3. Free attractions
Avoid: "The Sirens of T.I." at Treasure Island (3300 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 702-894-7111). This is the recently revamped version of what was a wholesome and mildly entertaining pirate show, all sexed up with hot chicks to fit the "what happens here stays here" edition of Las Vegas. Trouble is, the 15-minute show (presented at 5:30, 7, 8:30 and 10 p.m.) is dumb and a major pain to watch. In order to see anything at all, you have to stand outside the Buccaneer Bay at least 20 minutes ahead of time, and still there is simply no vantage point at which to take in the whole thing.
Instead try: The Fremont Street Experience (702-678-5777). Yes, it's downtown, which loses points with lots of Vegas-goers. But aside from the Bellagio's fountains, the best free spectacle in town is the astonishing and clever light show (on the hour after dark until midnight) projected from the underside of a four-block-long metal canopy that arches over a pedestrian mall. Last year, the Experience enjoyed a $17 million upgrade to LED, making it the largest LED display in the world.
4. Wildlife attractions
Avoid: Siegfried & Roy's Secret Garden at the Mirage Hotel-Casino (3400 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 702-791-7111). Why pay good money ($12—though that includes entry to Dolphin Habitat; kids under 10 free) to listen to an audio tour voiced by the now-defunct illusionist duo rambling on about what great conservationists they are. Sure, you get to see the trademark royal white tigers they once used in their show, but it's hard to forget the reason they don't do a show anymore is because one of these cuddly cats went haywire in 2003 and snacked on Roy's neck. Somehow, despite the zoo's effort to present realism, there's no note at all of that incident, and it's a bit of a touchy subject when you broach it with the animal handlers.
Instead try: The Wildlife Habitat at the Flamingo Las Vegas Hotel-Casino (3555 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 702-733-3111). Enjoy the light-hearted antics of the pink Chilean flamingos and endangered African penguins as they flop around leisurely on islands amid tranquil waterfalls along with Australian black swans, helmeted guinea fowl and various ducks. The two islands are surrounded by fresh water where colorful koi swim along with 25-pound green-gray grass carp and yellow albino channel catfish for folks to gawk at from footbridges. And it's free.
5. Kitsch
Avoid: Elvis-a-Rama. (3401 Industrial Rd.; 702-309-7200). Yes, it's even worse than it sounds. This ugly little strip-mall storefront behind the Fashion Show Mall supposedly has $5 million in Presley junk owned by the self-styled King of Elvis Memorabilia, Chris Davidson. Oddly, the most impressive piece on the list, the blue suede shoes, were on loan to Elvis-a-Tokyo or some such. Now, seriously—does the Louvre loan out the Venus de Milo? Worse yet are the shows—and the entrance fee ($22 plus tax) forces you to pay for it (the show is $14.95 without the "museum")! Remember when the post office debated between a young Elvis or the Las Vegas Elvis stamp? Well, we got the Fat n' Lazy Las Vegas Elvis, who didn't shake his hips but once and whose voice was processed through some sort of Elvis-a-phone.
Instead try: Liberace Museum (1775 E. Tropicana Ave.; 702-798-5595). Once as painfully tacky as Elvis-a-Rama, this off-Strip tribute to the man who invented over-the-top Vegas camp is now a respectable and seriously curated presentation. In wandering from room to room, guests really can understand the place the rhinestone-encrusted grand pianos and 50-pound feather costumes had in making Liberace's legend. (10 a.m.-5 p.m. daily—except Sunday, noon-4 p.m.; $12.50, $8.50 seniors and students, free for kids under 10)
6. Star vehicles
Avoid: Celine Dion's "A New Day . . ." (Caesars Palace, 3570 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 877-423-5463). It's not that it's a terrible show. Well, it was when it opened in 2003, but it's refined itself since then, and Celine looks better and chest-thumps less. But her music is so relaxing that it fails to deliver the jolt of energy Vegas theater is supposed to give. Celine's also such a good singer that it sounds flawlessly like her records, which everybody already owns. Watching Celine sing her songs (for $87.50 plus tax, and up) is a strange letdown because you realize that she of the perfect marriage and motherhood has no idea what the sort of sadness and desperation of "I Drove All Night" or "It's All Coming Back to Me" feels like.
Instead try: Clint Holmes (Harrah's Las Vegas, 3475 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 800-392-9002, ext. 5222). By far the hardest-working and underrated showman on the Strip, Clint is a Sammy Davis Jr. protege who rocks to some of the oldies as well as his own creations. Clint performs six nights a week (7:30 p.m., Monday-Saturday; $59.95 plus tax) before a 12-piece band, telling his fascinating life story as the son of a white British opera star and a black American jazz musician who met during World War II. His mother, now in her late 80s, sometimes even shows up and joins him for a number. The most amusing part is when Clint plays his own Top 10 hit from the early 1970s, the novelty tune "My Name Is Michael." Yeah, that's the guy!
7. Production shows
Avoid: "We Will Rock You." (Paris Las Vegas, 3655 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 702-967-4699). Several musicals are coming to Vegas these days from Broadway. Only this one went directly from London to Vegas without a New York stop, and here's why: It's horrible. Possibly the dumbest, least engaging production I've seen in my decade in Vegas, "We Will Rock You" is set in a futuristic world in which music is banned and rebels are trying to overthrow the leather-loving evil queen. The Queen music is fine, but the script goes to great lengths to saint Freddie Mercury and, in the process, cheapens his memory. "Mamma Mia!" at the Mandalay Bay, by contrast, never explicitly acknowledges its Abba roots because everybody already knows about them, and the storyline is fun for even non-Abba fans.
Instead try: "Don Arden's Jubilee!" (Bally's Hotel-Casino, 3645 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 800-237-7469). This venerable 23-year-old classic of Las Vegas spectacles is old-school and modern all at once. It's a garish parade of leggy women in mammoth headdresses accompanied by buff male dancers in cheesy skits on topics like Samson-and-Delilah and the Titanic. The music is fun, but it's the eye-popping ensemble of dancers, occasionally topless, in Bob Mackie couture that enthralls. Plus, now they have a worthwhile one-hour backstage walking tour at 2 p.m. Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays that costs $10 with purchase of a ticket ($55-$69 plus tax) to the show. You're guided by one of the showgirls herself who lets you get up close with the 75-pound head gear they balance each night. (7:30 and 10:30 p.m. nightly except Fridays)
By Steve Friess
Special to the Tribune
Published March 13, 2005
LAS VEGAS -- The trouble with a lot of travel journalism is that the audience primarily reads upbeat prose about how terrific a destination is and advice on what can't-miss spots to hit. A few swipes are inevitably laced in for a measure of balance, but if a city is worthy of too much criticism, then why bother writing about it at all?
Vegas is different. Everybody's going anyway. Or, at least, a record 41 million people flew in last year. Most visitors know what's rightfully atop their to-do lists: Bellagio's fountains! The Venetian's gondoliers! Cirque du Soleil! The new and improved Forum Shops!
Yet Vegas is loaded with bad choices too. Since the average visitor pops in for a quick weekend, making wrong turns can be a huge waste of time and money. And nothing is more shameful than wasting money in Vegas that could instead be fed into the greedy mouths of slot machines.
Thus, what follows is a fair warning. These are one long-time resident's highly opinionated picks for Vegas' seven worst mistakes—and what outrageously underrated activity to do in their place.
1. Views from the top
Avoid: The Stratosphere (2000 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 702-380-7777). People go here because it's somewhat obvious and because the sole raison d'etre of this Seattle Space Needle rip-off ($9) is to provide a bird's-eye view of the city. Trouble is, it's expensive, the waits can be excruciatingly long at peak times, and there are several better vantage points on the Strip. The revolving Top of the World restaurant is a costly debacle, too, with dull food and an even more boring view of flat terrain for much of the hour it takes to go around. The tower does have one thing going for it: The thrill rides are the city's terrifying best.
Instead try: Mix, at THEhotel at Mandalay Bay (3950 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 702-632-7777). This new bar-lounge at the Strip's other end gives you everything you can see from the Stratosphere, except closer up. Plus, its $750,000 chandelier made of 13,000 pieces of blown glass is a spectacle in itself, as are the ladies' toilets and men's urinals that stare right out over the skyline. What's more, it's free before 10 p.m. every night ($20 cover thereafter).
2. Romantic getaways
Avoid: The Casino Gold deal at the Imperial Palace (3535 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 702-731-3311). The IP thrives mainly because of its center-Strip location, but that's no excuse for blowing $85 a night for a weekend of tramping through an obnoxious casino with a section where cards are dealt by low-rent Elvis and Michael Jackson impersonators. The Casino Gold package—which wisely replaces their notoriously horrific room-of-mirrors-everywhere Luv Tub offerings of years past—includes a gym day pass that's invalid on Fridays and Saturdays, passes to a squalid buffet that's invalid for dinner and a why-bother $5 blackjack matchplay. Granted, the newly updated deluxe rooms are more palatable and the free passes to the auto collection are worth a half-hour of fun.
Instead try: The Westin Casuarina Hotel and Spa (160 E. Flamingo Rd.; 702-836-9775). OK, so there's no "package" deal available at the moment (rooms start at $109), but you can't beat those Heavenly Beds and Baths for comfort and class. Even better, the location's at least as good as the IP's, a two-minute walk from the corner of Flamingo and the Strip where stands the Bellagio, Caesars Palace and Bally's. The Westin is the newest incarnation of what was once the Maxim, a rundown, skanky slum. The new owners have poured real money into the place, turning a run-of-the-mill cafe into the surprisingly solid Silver Peak Grill. The just-opened resident show, the Strip parody "Forbidden Vegas," is also a scream.
3. Free attractions
Avoid: "The Sirens of T.I." at Treasure Island (3300 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 702-894-7111). This is the recently revamped version of what was a wholesome and mildly entertaining pirate show, all sexed up with hot chicks to fit the "what happens here stays here" edition of Las Vegas. Trouble is, the 15-minute show (presented at 5:30, 7, 8:30 and 10 p.m.) is dumb and a major pain to watch. In order to see anything at all, you have to stand outside the Buccaneer Bay at least 20 minutes ahead of time, and still there is simply no vantage point at which to take in the whole thing.
Instead try: The Fremont Street Experience (702-678-5777). Yes, it's downtown, which loses points with lots of Vegas-goers. But aside from the Bellagio's fountains, the best free spectacle in town is the astonishing and clever light show (on the hour after dark until midnight) projected from the underside of a four-block-long metal canopy that arches over a pedestrian mall. Last year, the Experience enjoyed a $17 million upgrade to LED, making it the largest LED display in the world.
4. Wildlife attractions
Avoid: Siegfried & Roy's Secret Garden at the Mirage Hotel-Casino (3400 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 702-791-7111). Why pay good money ($12—though that includes entry to Dolphin Habitat; kids under 10 free) to listen to an audio tour voiced by the now-defunct illusionist duo rambling on about what great conservationists they are. Sure, you get to see the trademark royal white tigers they once used in their show, but it's hard to forget the reason they don't do a show anymore is because one of these cuddly cats went haywire in 2003 and snacked on Roy's neck. Somehow, despite the zoo's effort to present realism, there's no note at all of that incident, and it's a bit of a touchy subject when you broach it with the animal handlers.
Instead try: The Wildlife Habitat at the Flamingo Las Vegas Hotel-Casino (3555 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 702-733-3111). Enjoy the light-hearted antics of the pink Chilean flamingos and endangered African penguins as they flop around leisurely on islands amid tranquil waterfalls along with Australian black swans, helmeted guinea fowl and various ducks. The two islands are surrounded by fresh water where colorful koi swim along with 25-pound green-gray grass carp and yellow albino channel catfish for folks to gawk at from footbridges. And it's free.
5. Kitsch
Avoid: Elvis-a-Rama. (3401 Industrial Rd.; 702-309-7200). Yes, it's even worse than it sounds. This ugly little strip-mall storefront behind the Fashion Show Mall supposedly has $5 million in Presley junk owned by the self-styled King of Elvis Memorabilia, Chris Davidson. Oddly, the most impressive piece on the list, the blue suede shoes, were on loan to Elvis-a-Tokyo or some such. Now, seriously—does the Louvre loan out the Venus de Milo? Worse yet are the shows—and the entrance fee ($22 plus tax) forces you to pay for it (the show is $14.95 without the "museum")! Remember when the post office debated between a young Elvis or the Las Vegas Elvis stamp? Well, we got the Fat n' Lazy Las Vegas Elvis, who didn't shake his hips but once and whose voice was processed through some sort of Elvis-a-phone.
Instead try: Liberace Museum (1775 E. Tropicana Ave.; 702-798-5595). Once as painfully tacky as Elvis-a-Rama, this off-Strip tribute to the man who invented over-the-top Vegas camp is now a respectable and seriously curated presentation. In wandering from room to room, guests really can understand the place the rhinestone-encrusted grand pianos and 50-pound feather costumes had in making Liberace's legend. (10 a.m.-5 p.m. daily—except Sunday, noon-4 p.m.; $12.50, $8.50 seniors and students, free for kids under 10)
6. Star vehicles
Avoid: Celine Dion's "A New Day . . ." (Caesars Palace, 3570 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 877-423-5463). It's not that it's a terrible show. Well, it was when it opened in 2003, but it's refined itself since then, and Celine looks better and chest-thumps less. But her music is so relaxing that it fails to deliver the jolt of energy Vegas theater is supposed to give. Celine's also such a good singer that it sounds flawlessly like her records, which everybody already owns. Watching Celine sing her songs (for $87.50 plus tax, and up) is a strange letdown because you realize that she of the perfect marriage and motherhood has no idea what the sort of sadness and desperation of "I Drove All Night" or "It's All Coming Back to Me" feels like.
Instead try: Clint Holmes (Harrah's Las Vegas, 3475 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 800-392-9002, ext. 5222). By far the hardest-working and underrated showman on the Strip, Clint is a Sammy Davis Jr. protege who rocks to some of the oldies as well as his own creations. Clint performs six nights a week (7:30 p.m., Monday-Saturday; $59.95 plus tax) before a 12-piece band, telling his fascinating life story as the son of a white British opera star and a black American jazz musician who met during World War II. His mother, now in her late 80s, sometimes even shows up and joins him for a number. The most amusing part is when Clint plays his own Top 10 hit from the early 1970s, the novelty tune "My Name Is Michael." Yeah, that's the guy!
7. Production shows
Avoid: "We Will Rock You." (Paris Las Vegas, 3655 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 702-967-4699). Several musicals are coming to Vegas these days from Broadway. Only this one went directly from London to Vegas without a New York stop, and here's why: It's horrible. Possibly the dumbest, least engaging production I've seen in my decade in Vegas, "We Will Rock You" is set in a futuristic world in which music is banned and rebels are trying to overthrow the leather-loving evil queen. The Queen music is fine, but the script goes to great lengths to saint Freddie Mercury and, in the process, cheapens his memory. "Mamma Mia!" at the Mandalay Bay, by contrast, never explicitly acknowledges its Abba roots because everybody already knows about them, and the storyline is fun for even non-Abba fans.
Instead try: "Don Arden's Jubilee!" (Bally's Hotel-Casino, 3645 Las Vegas Blvd. S.; 800-237-7469). This venerable 23-year-old classic of Las Vegas spectacles is old-school and modern all at once. It's a garish parade of leggy women in mammoth headdresses accompanied by buff male dancers in cheesy skits on topics like Samson-and-Delilah and the Titanic. The music is fun, but it's the eye-popping ensemble of dancers, occasionally topless, in Bob Mackie couture that enthralls. Plus, now they have a worthwhile one-hour backstage walking tour at 2 p.m. Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays that costs $10 with purchase of a ticket ($55-$69 plus tax) to the show. You're guided by one of the showgirls herself who lets you get up close with the 75-pound head gear they balance each night. (7:30 and 10:30 p.m. nightly except Fridays)
