Misery Loves Company-The MLB gutter

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Misery needs company
By Mark Kiszla
Denver Post Staff Columnist

To: Bud Selig
From: A miffed Rockies fan
Re: Cure for chronically bad baseball


Hey, Buddy. Can you spare some time for a baseball team down on its luck?

The Rockies are losers. The major leagues are way too tough for them.

Any chance you could put Colorado in a league it could actually win?

Our poor Rockies don't have two nickels to rub together. Their lineup card is so cheap, it reads like the 99-cent menu at Wendy's. Heck, some homeless hippie who hitchhiked from California is batting cleanup.

Trying to win? Are you kidding? Colorado ownership meat-packed it in before the season began.

During the national anthem at the home opener, the team raised a white flag.

Nobody gets fired from the Rockies. What would be the point? Team execs are so delusional, ask them to spell "accountability" and they will swear it's a four-letter word.

If the Rockies are not in the National League to win it, then they should not be in it. At least until the team finds players capable of more than last place.

This is where you can help, Bud. In baseball, any radical change in the game's basic nature can be achieved only two ways. By steroids. Or through the progressive thinking for which you are so famous, Mr. Selig.

Everybody knows there are not 30 bona fide major-league teams. You can name the imposters.

Tampa Bay. Kansas City. Pittsburgh.

All of them stink as badly - or worse - than our Rockies.

So formally kick 'em out of the pennant race on opening day.

Hopeless baseball franchises deserve a division of their own. Misery loves company.

In my perfect world, I would not open the newspaper this morning and see the Rockies mocked by the NL West standings.

Instead, I would see Colorado competing in the same division with the Devil Rays, Royals, Pirates, Seattle and Cincinnati. Despite a humbling 41-53 record, the Mariners would stand in first place.

In this division of like-minded baseball slackers, the Rockies would actually be within 10 games of the lead.

Please hear me out, Bud. This is my dream, born of turning off the TV with the Rockies losing in the seventh inning and going to bed.

It's a modest proposal for encouraging bad teams to get better, while forcing them to be honest with suffering fans.

From now on, limit full membership in the major leagues to 24 teams.

Every year, there would be a dozen contenders battling in the American

League, with 12 more clubs with serious World Series aspirations working hard in the NL.
Divide the junior and senior circuits into two divisions, letting geography draw the lines. The four division winners, plus two wild-card teams from each league, would qualify for the playoffs.

Which brings us to the Rockies and five other teams who should hold a parade if they don't lose 100 times in a season.

Relegate them to a division of also-rans. Call it the Major League Least, a summer camp for teams without a clue.

Let them play a full 162-game schedule, with regular series against the top 24 ballclubs, so their long-suffering local fans could occasionally be blessed with visits from St. Louis slugger Albert Pujols, Yankees closer Mariano Rivera and winning franchises with a genuine sense of pride.

You might think I'm kidding, Bud.

I'm as serious as the scowl on Clint Hurdle's face when he trudges to take the baseball from some Charlie Brown on the Colorado mound.

Here's the best part, Bud. The annual winner and runner-up in this division of losers would be rewarded by moving up to top-24 status for the next season, taking the place of those chumps who posted the worst records in the National and American leagues.

Sure, it's a radical idea. But the Rockies, Royals and Pirates scream for tough love. And shame might be the only motivation for these habitual losers to become something greater than a hometown joke.

Commish, I know you take pity on homely things nobody else appreciates.

How else to explain the ugly ties you wear under your overcoat at the World Series?

Just kidding, Bud.

Actually, your ties are much easier on the eyes than all those Colorado losses.
http://www.denverpost.com/kiszla/ci_2881004
 
Joined
Sep 21, 2004
Messages
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Clip, I love the columnists from the Denver Post. Between Kiszla & Woody Paige, there is never a dull moment in the commentary category.

Don't even get me started on Woody getting a (rumored to be) drunk Invesco exec to refer to Invesco Field as "the diaphragm" when they somehow came upon each other in LoDo(the bar\restaurant district). You should have seen the shitstorm that caused when he slapped it in the Denver Post!!!
 

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