Parents: Question on discipline

Fella's. My gf who is totally awesome has 3 girls. 11, 10, & 8. All three of em are angels. and for the most part they like me, (even though they're still getting used to me). It's been about 7 months she and I have been together.

At times because of the rocky marriage and the weak household, the girls didn't really have much discipline. Mostly because dad spoiled em while mom tried to keep em in check. Now that she's in the middle of the divorce it seems that the little ones are pushing mom's limits as far as finding out how much they can get away with. Of course I'm a lil confused myself since I don't feel comfortable enough to give em a piece of my mind. At the sametime they're smart enough to know they don't wanna fuck with me because they simply don't know me.

At this point they've gotten to know me well enough to expect hugs from me when they see me, ask when I'm coming over next so we can go to the movies, bowling etc. And as of now they've all given me a "wish list" for x-mas.

Anyway's I wanna give em what they've asked for to give em a cool x-mas. Trust me though, i'm not tryin to win em over by spoilin them. If I did, they'd easily have me by the balls. At times it seems that the girls don't feel any threat when their mom tells em to act up when their bein bad. The youngest one almost feels as if she runs the house and can get away with absolutely anything.

Really been bonding with her the most lately and its been really cool. But I feel like teaching her a lesson by not giving her what she wants for x-mas for the first time in her short life.

As of this point, I'm getting the puppy dog eyes and "Please!, Please!..can I have that X-Box, puppy, etc for x-mas???"

Would it teach her/them a lesson by telling them each that "I'll think about what you girls want for x-mas" then come Christmas day, give em each a lump of coal. Once they start bitchin and cryin I'll tell em to think back the past year and aske themselves whether or not they deserved it after treating mom the way they did for the past year.

Personally I think it'll be a fresh start to the discipline road instead of living a life of spoiled little brats.

Suggestions please.....


btw....don't get me wrong I love these little ones to death and when they aren't bein bad they're absolute angels. Just feel they need some direction and a strong male influence in their life.

3peet said:

Fella's. My gf who is totally awesome has 3 girls. 11, 10, & 8. All three of em are angels. and for the most part they like me, (even though they're still getting used to me). It's been about 7 months she and I have been together.

At times because of the rocky marriage and the weak household, the girls didn't really have much discipline. Mostly because dad spoiled em while mom tried to keep em in check. Now that she's in the middle of the divorce it seems that the little ones are pushing mom's limits as far as finding out how much they can get away with. Of course I'm a lil confused myself since I don't feel comfortable enough to give em a piece of my mind. At the sametime they're smart enough to know they don't wanna fuck with me because they simply don't know me.

At this point they've gotten to know me well enough to expect hugs from me when they see me, ask when I'm coming over next so we can go to the movies, bowling etc. And as of now they've all given me a "wish list" for x-mas.

Anyway's I wanna give em what they've asked for to give em a cool x-mas. Trust me though, i'm not tryin to win em over by spoilin them. If I did, they'd easily have me by the balls. At times it seems that the girls don't feel any threat when their mom tells em to act up when their bein bad. The youngest one almost feels as if she runs the house and can get away with absolutely anything.

Really been bonding with her the most lately and its been really cool. But I feel like teaching her a lesson by not giving her what she wants for x-mas for the first time in her short life.

As of this point, I'm getting the puppy dog eyes and "Please!, Please!..can I have that X-Box, puppy, etc for x-mas???"

Would it teach her/them a lesson by telling them each that "I'll think about what you girls want for x-mas" then come Christmas day, give em each a lump of coal. Once they start bitchin and cryin I'll tell em to think back the past year and aske themselves whether or not they deserved it after treating mom the way they did for the past year.

Personally I think it'll be a fresh start to the discipline road instead of living a life of spoiled little brats.

Suggestions please.....


btw....don't get me wrong I love these little ones to death and when they aren't bein bad they're absolute angels. Just feel they need some direction and a strong male influence in their life.

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Im not a parent but here goes..

I like your idea.

However, honestly it is not your place to discipline those kids.

It is bad enough not having their biological father around let alone have some stranger tell them how they should be behaving.

Just spank them. Any and every kid needs to be spanked every so often when they're young to keep their asses in check. Doesn't matter if you're their dad or not. It'd be better if you were a complete stranger, though. That'd straighten 'em out.

I'm no parent, but I had two good ones, so here goes...

You give these kids a lump of coal, you become jerk-off public enemy #1, and that isn't forgotten easily. Also, you aren't their father, or even their step-father for that matter, so at this point, other than being a calming influence during any altercations, you shouldn't be disciplining the kids. It's not going to help build a future relationship with them (if that's what you desire).

If you want to get the kids a present, get them something decent they are asking for, but not over the top. You aren't a pushover then, but they appreciate you. Don't give em all they want, because then you are a pushover.

In a general sense, you need to realize that disciplining of children isn't done by a singular, out of the ordinary act, especially at this age. It's a process, and if you do end up with some sort of formal relationship with these girls, you're going to want to have gone about it in the right way. Simply not giving children christmas gifts isn't going to get you to your ultimate goal, or even close to it.

You don't get them what they want. You get them something in the same category but not as good. That always works. They are forced to be thankful, realize not everything they ask for happens, and they know that in life you don't always get what you want.

As relatively new "on the scene", it's probably best not to do anything radical at this point..... I'd be inclined to agree with Dr. Pepper above..

One way or an another, one of the parents are gonna get them what they want (or grandma, grandpa). I don't think that is the issue. You can't expect them to know "not to fuck with you cuz they don't know you" as much as them understanding YOUR way of discipline. Just because you do not agree with what is going on, doesn't mean you fully understand their situation either. You've only been in their lives for 7 months.

Suggestion: Talk with their mother concerning your beliefs on discipline, you'd be surprised how bad it could turn out if you choose to do it on your own.

In a general sense, you need to realize that disciplining of children isn't done by a singular, out of the ordinary act, especially at this age. It's a process,

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Very well said OSUHouston. And for the record I'm in this for the long haul. Again, I love their mother to death and the kids are just as great. I love bonding with em, showing em things they've never experienced before (e.g. going to ball games, getting outta the house, movies every Friday, etc.....) and for the most part I take inventory of the everyday progress I've made with them. Definitely want to be a positive influence in their lives and show them that there's a whole other world out there from the fighting, arguing, and other bad things they've been exposed too prior to me coming into the picture.

Just for the most part, when these girls wanna act up, man are they bad. Just tryin to teach them how to respect their elders which they have a hard time doing.

In the end I know it'll take a lot of patience.

Difficult topic, for sure. The hardest thing for children to understand is appreciation for what they have. In this case, it might be a good idea to get something close to what they're looking for and then explain that better things may come in the future with better behavior. It won't sink in at first, but if you reward improved (doesn't have to be perfect) behavior. My kids play their mom pretty well and,most times, they know it. This is something we all struggle with, believe me.

I see two problems with your thought process:

1. The best way to treat kids is a REWARD system for good behavior, not a punishment system for bad behavior. The reward could be win gifts, money or time. The procedure can be laid out. You get this and this if you do this and this.

2. Besides the youngest one, whom you have mentioned briefly, you are treating them as ONE GROUP. This is very wrong. You can't treat them as a group - they are individuals and each one of them needs their own reward system. Do you treat all of your friends the same? Do you treat all your co-workers the same way? I hope not.

BaseballGuy said:

Im not a parent but here goes..

I like your idea.

However, honestly it is not your place to discipline those kids.

It is bad enough not having their biological father around let alone have some stranger tell them how they should be behaving.

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got to agree here its not your place man...no offense but you are not there father ...its going to be hard id try to reason with them before giving a lump of coal

BaseballGuy said:

Im not a parent but here goes..

I like your idea.

However, honestly it is not your place to discipline those kids.

Click to expand...

I agree - but he can still help the kids by REWARDING them for good behavior.

I teach for a living, and I always make sure that my students are always being rewarded and not punished. I know it's pure semantics, but they get extra credit for doing something good, and never get docked points for not doing something they were supposed to.

I was in a situation like this a few years ago, except the kids were a little older. I stayed far away from trying to "be a Dad" to them and just gave them advice, encouragement...

Nagging: "Your mother told you to clean this place up and you 2 haven't done a thing all day except watch TV and talk on the phone!"

Encouragement: "allright look, your mom and I are going to the store for a couple of hours, if this place is SPOTLESS when we get back, we'll all go out to dinner tonight and you get to pick the place, too, ok?"

After we get back: the place is spotless, Mom's floored, the kids are already talking about what they're going to eat that night and everyone's happy...

Carrot and stick, works like a charm.

I'd agree with being firm but fair but you must be really crazy about the girl - sounds like a lot of trouble and strife to me - IMO walk away and find someone with less baggage.

I like most males want peace and simplicity in their life - this sounds the opposite but maybe you are the selfless kind.

Even if you decide to get them either something less than what they asked for or nothing at all I certainly wouldn't go that extra mile with the lump of coal on Xmas day. You will only look like as a-hole. They will tell their biological father what their dick mothers boyfriend did and they may grow to resent you. Xmas day is a big day in a childs life and there is no upside to turning it into something negative regardless of what your intentions are. You have 364 other days in the year to work on these behavioral issues.