OT: Advise sought on living with spoouse for the sake of the children

assassin · Mar 13, 2006

All is not great in the Assassin house. We have 2 young kids, 9 and 11. We preliminarily decided to stay together for the next 8.5 years until the youngest starts college, then sell the house and go our seperat ways.

If anyone has tried this non-divource method for the sake of the kids, I would appreciate any guidance on things to do to make it work, and also some of the pitfalls or common problems associated with doing this.

Thanks.

Fishhead · Mar 13, 2006

Boy, you should get some great answers on this question from posters here.

edub69 · Mar 13, 2006

That is a HORRIBLE idea. My parents did the same thing, and all it did was make them and myself and my two sisters miserable. I knew since I was about 14 that my parents would get divorced eventually, and they didn't actually get divorced until I was 24. The last five years or so they basically led separate lives under the same roof, and the kicker is that they still ended up getting divorced before my youngest sister was done with high school. My advice is that if you know things won't work out, just cut your losses now before it gets too nasty.

max1234 · Mar 13, 2006

Horrible idea.... who do you all think you are fooling? The kids? They're old enough to know what's going on. Do everyone involved a favor and get a divorce. That way you and your spouse will be happier and as such the kids will be happier also. If you and your spouse are miserable and always fighting then the kids will have more problems than being from a broken home. Just be an involved father and don't fight with your ex's new boyfriend when it happens. My girlfriend of 3 years has a 9 and 12 yr old and I treat them just like I would my own. I stay out of squabbles between her and her ex and he appreciates it. Hell, he bought me a bottle of Crown for Christmas to say thanks for helping with the kids. GL to you but staying together for 'the sake of the kids' doesn't help anyone.

wolfie_cr · Mar 13, 2006

I have a somewhat similar experience

My mom and dad had very different ways of handling money , my dad spends what he has today and worries about tomorrow........well tomorrow, my mom saves and is very ordered with her money. My mom had more $ than my dad and this lead to neverending ongoing situations.

By the time I was 15 I already knew they would eventually divorce yet I didn't know exactly when

They divorced when I was 25 .........and whats the problem here ? the problem is that first of all when your kids are adults they sometimes end up being used by the parents as messengers "tell your mom that if she doesnt do this and that then........." etc

Second, females do well by themselves...........men on the other hand do not do well by themselves when they are old

its much harder to find a companion in life when you are past certain age and my dad being with no $ and almost at 60 doesn't help..................

I love my dad and my mom but I never imagined that I would have to be worried all the time about what will happen to them , I have already taken care of my dad when he had several surgeries due to prostate cancer..............if I lived far away having him alone would be A BIG issue

had they chosen to go apart earlier in life perhaps my dad would have a stable companion now

its not about being selfish , its about whats best for everyone and living with someone and having constant fights all the time just for the sake of the kids its not the best example you could give them about how to achieve happiness in life

WorldNumberOne · Mar 13, 2006

agree with the others.

split up . the kids will be fine. they have a way of handling things.

assassin · Mar 13, 2006

Thanks for the comments.
It is not that we hate each other, but rather we have grown weary of trying to change the other. Or dealing with the other as they are.

We just settled on it this weekend, and have not worked out the specifics. If the problems continue, even under this format, then divirce would definitely seems to be the way to go.

Thanks again.

Tulsa · Mar 13, 2006

FOR GOD's SAKE, try marital counseling with a professional psychologist for a few sessions before taking such a drastic step. After that, I agree with the others. If there is contention in the home, it is not healthy for the children. tulsa

DarrylParsons · Mar 13, 2006

100% agree with edub and max.

Same deal with my parents. They tried to stick it out but when I was 12 they threw in the towel and split apart. The bad part for me was not the break-up but the 3 or 4 years beforehand when they were both grumpy, kept a lot of secrets for fear I'd tell the other, and basically we all lived a big charade. Afterwards it was much better because they were both happier and easy-going. All our lives started going forwards from that point on.

Sure it was a shock to hear about it at first and there were a few unpleasant days of uncertainty, but that part wore off fast. There's no comparison as to which is the bigger negative. Kids don't expect you to be a martyr. They want nothing more than for you to be you.

Dante · Mar 13, 2006

Assassin my long time friend..sorry to hear about that as long as there is no abuse either verbally or physcially why not stay together for the kids until they are 18

nothing wrong with that ...as THEY should come first over your needs and your ex-wife's

many people in your situation will get a divorce and think only of THEIR needs when their needs SHOULD NOT MATTER at all until the kids are grown
they forget the kids will be affected

very selfish of them your doing the right thing

good luck

DELSOLII · Mar 13, 2006

You should talk to your kids and hear what they think.

My dad sat me down at 8 and told me he was leaving. I didn't understand at first, then when it hit me, i realised that it was the best thing for our family.

My parents have been divorced over 20 years but still talk and work with each other for my brother's and my sake.

Good luck.

Sol II

BCTTWR · Mar 13, 2006

Split up. It will be tough for you at first, but that will end and then you will be more than happy you did it and so will the kids. You may no believe me now, but will thank us later.

Seymour · Mar 13, 2006

Let your pass and get ready to die - umm, I think this is the worst idea I have ever heard.

Woody0 · Mar 13, 2006

Dr Phil just said today that the only thing worse than coming from a broken home is living in one.

I guess it's too late for professional help?

johnskelington · Mar 13, 2006

Yeah absolutely.....you should stay together fo r the next 8.5 years so your kids can grow up in a happy home.

InncoLink · Mar 13, 2006

The kids are most important. Kids need the parents as their growing up. School events, etc. are important to a child, no matter the age.

Good luck..

Journeyman · Mar 13, 2006

So many variables to this, it is hard to give a good answer without knowing a whole lot more...I doubt it would work though.

If you can still both be in your childrens lives living seperate then you should, the children will adjust, as bad as it may seem, I think your children will be better off in the long run if they have two happy parents.

You can still put the kids first living apart.

I admire your putting your kids lives in front of your own needs....not many people would do that.

Mr.Smith · Mar 13, 2006

If your going to fight around the kids and/or the kids know both of you are unhappy, than I would say dont try. If you act like things are normal around the kids than that is a basis to try your plan.

Not the whole answer, but you need that part at least to try. It will stress the kids out if you fight in front of them, or bicker. bickering is bad too. Can you pretend its 1955 and be "leave it to Beaver" mom and dad in front of the kids? And for 8 years? that seems very hard to do.

would suggest if you try and you and your wife try and find common ground as companions, or friends so to speak. realizing its just temporary and is for the kids, not because you really believe you still want to be married should make that easier. Pressure and stress of trying to make your marriage work, you can jettison that since you both have decided it isnt working.

So without that pressure and stress its maybe easier to get along as friends. try to just be civil and decent to each other while the kids grow up.

NickPappagiorgio · Mar 13, 2006

How about you try and work things out with your spouse for the sake of the kids. I am sick and tired of people quitting and taking the easy way out. If you want to do things for the kids, stay a family. Lets not forget Sherman, an old poster who quit everything so he could save is marriage. Take your cue from him and try and save your marriage and family. Go to counseling, do what you have to do to have your kids grow up in a warm household.

Insiders · Mar 13, 2006

Tulsa said:
FOR GOD's SAKE, try marital counseling with a professional psychologist for a few sessions before taking such a drastic step. After that, I agree with the others. If there is contention in the home, it is not healthy for the children. tulsa

This would be my answer in a nutshell. Besides life is too short for this kinda thing anyway. Do whatever ya gotta do! For Everyones sake!