Bob Johnson for President `08
Policies and Positions
I. Foreign Policy
A. No more invading countries just for the hell of it.
B. If the U.S. gets attacked and 15 of the 19 attackers are from your country, your country is toast. I don't care if we buy oil from you. You're toast. Even if the Bush family acts like its blood-related to your royal family.
C. We promise to quit kidnapping people off the streets and taking them to places to be tortured. That was the last President and he was a real douchebag. And his Vice President was worse. If that's possible.
D. We will abide by international treaties. Like Kyoto. And we'll quit hogging up world resources and, as a result, spewing megatons of crap into the atmosphere and the oceans (see: Energy Policy, below).
II. Fast Food
A. We're done with fast food as a nation. I will insititute a nationwide exercise and nutrition program that will pay every man, woman and child $200 a month if they log at least 16 hours of aerobic exercise a month and swear and attest that they have not eaten fast food during the month. (This includes Subway, because that Jared campaign was bullshit.)
B. All McDonald's and Taco Bell workers will be retrained as personal trainers and will be part of a new "Civilian Tae Bo Training Squad" that will assist Americans with Section II., Paragraph A., above.
III. People Who Worry Too Much About Homos, Think Evolution Isn't Real, And Want To Outlaw Stem Cell Research
A. All those who obsess over homos and what they do in the privacy of their own homes will be forced to wear 3" diameter buttons that state, "Ask me why I can't stop obsessing about homos!"
B. Evolution deniers will be placed in Great Ape exhibits at zoos around the country to see if they devolve over time to become more ape-like and less human-like. Just for fun.
C. Those who want to ban stem cell research will be asked to spend three days a month working with elderly Alzheimer's patients.
IV. Tax Policy
A. The death of "trickle-down." Sorry. We don't trust you anymore, top 1%. It just hasn't worked out.
B. And no more landed gentry. The Estate Tax returns, fully and completely.
V. TV and Celebrities
A. Immediately start a "Turn off the goddamned TV and read something, America!" campaign.
B. All reality TV shows will have to pass muster of the Reality TV Guild which will verify that the shows are, in fact, real and not the product of manipulated drama on the part of producers.
C. Anyone who talks to co-workers, friends or even family members incessantly about the goings-on of celebrities (e.g. "Have you heard about Britney and K-Fed?") will be subject to having a wide swath of duct tape placed over their gaping maw. And if the activity persists for more than a week, the duct tape will be sewn on.
VI. Environment
A. Get out of your car and start riding a bike. The government will give you $100 toward the purchase of a bike IFyou agree to ride it at least 12 miles a week.
B. Walk. You can do it. You'll be surprised at how far you can go and how much better you'll feel when you start doing it consistently.
C. Quit buying shit in plastic containers and quit buying "disposable" stuff when you can buy stuff that can be used and re-used.
D. No more peeing in oceans or lakes or rivers. Even if there's not a port-a-potty nearby. We all know what your doing out there when you dunk down to your shoulders like that.
VIII. Campaign Odds & Ends
A. My opponents do not suck. But look at them! They're quivering piles of pandering lard! That's disgusting!
B. Anyone who tries to smear me will get punched in the nose. Hard.
C. I won't buy TV commercials. Or radio spots. Or send a mountain of crap to your home via the U.S. Postal Service.
D. I will come to your home. And ringyour doorbell. Every single home in America. Even those living in cardboard boxes. And I will answer your questions. And I may ask to sleep on your sofa. But, then, who wouldn't want a future potential President of the United States sleeping on their couch?
That's all I have at this point, but I'm looking for your input. I will listen to any and all suggestions and incorporate those that I think are worth a crap into my official Policies and Plans.
Thanks for your time. If you have a comfortable sofa and you're in an early primary state, please let me know.
Update [2006-11-15 2:18:13 by Bob Johnson]:
My slogan is:
Bob Johnson `08 Not as bad as the rest of the choices!
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2006/11/15/14913/425
Policies and Positions
I. Foreign Policy
A. No more invading countries just for the hell of it.
B. If the U.S. gets attacked and 15 of the 19 attackers are from your country, your country is toast. I don't care if we buy oil from you. You're toast. Even if the Bush family acts like its blood-related to your royal family.
C. We promise to quit kidnapping people off the streets and taking them to places to be tortured. That was the last President and he was a real douchebag. And his Vice President was worse. If that's possible.
D. We will abide by international treaties. Like Kyoto. And we'll quit hogging up world resources and, as a result, spewing megatons of crap into the atmosphere and the oceans (see: Energy Policy, below).
II. Fast Food
A. We're done with fast food as a nation. I will insititute a nationwide exercise and nutrition program that will pay every man, woman and child $200 a month if they log at least 16 hours of aerobic exercise a month and swear and attest that they have not eaten fast food during the month. (This includes Subway, because that Jared campaign was bullshit.)
B. All McDonald's and Taco Bell workers will be retrained as personal trainers and will be part of a new "Civilian Tae Bo Training Squad" that will assist Americans with Section II., Paragraph A., above.
III. People Who Worry Too Much About Homos, Think Evolution Isn't Real, And Want To Outlaw Stem Cell Research
A. All those who obsess over homos and what they do in the privacy of their own homes will be forced to wear 3" diameter buttons that state, "Ask me why I can't stop obsessing about homos!"
B. Evolution deniers will be placed in Great Ape exhibits at zoos around the country to see if they devolve over time to become more ape-like and less human-like. Just for fun.
C. Those who want to ban stem cell research will be asked to spend three days a month working with elderly Alzheimer's patients.
IV. Tax Policy
A. The death of "trickle-down." Sorry. We don't trust you anymore, top 1%. It just hasn't worked out.
B. And no more landed gentry. The Estate Tax returns, fully and completely.
V. TV and Celebrities
A. Immediately start a "Turn off the goddamned TV and read something, America!" campaign.
B. All reality TV shows will have to pass muster of the Reality TV Guild which will verify that the shows are, in fact, real and not the product of manipulated drama on the part of producers.
C. Anyone who talks to co-workers, friends or even family members incessantly about the goings-on of celebrities (e.g. "Have you heard about Britney and K-Fed?") will be subject to having a wide swath of duct tape placed over their gaping maw. And if the activity persists for more than a week, the duct tape will be sewn on.
VI. Environment
A. Get out of your car and start riding a bike. The government will give you $100 toward the purchase of a bike IFyou agree to ride it at least 12 miles a week.
B. Walk. You can do it. You'll be surprised at how far you can go and how much better you'll feel when you start doing it consistently.
C. Quit buying shit in plastic containers and quit buying "disposable" stuff when you can buy stuff that can be used and re-used.
D. No more peeing in oceans or lakes or rivers. Even if there's not a port-a-potty nearby. We all know what your doing out there when you dunk down to your shoulders like that.
VIII. Campaign Odds & Ends
A. My opponents do not suck. But look at them! They're quivering piles of pandering lard! That's disgusting!
B. Anyone who tries to smear me will get punched in the nose. Hard.
C. I won't buy TV commercials. Or radio spots. Or send a mountain of crap to your home via the U.S. Postal Service.
D. I will come to your home. And ringyour doorbell. Every single home in America. Even those living in cardboard boxes. And I will answer your questions. And I may ask to sleep on your sofa. But, then, who wouldn't want a future potential President of the United States sleeping on their couch?
That's all I have at this point, but I'm looking for your input. I will listen to any and all suggestions and incorporate those that I think are worth a crap into my official Policies and Plans.
Thanks for your time. If you have a comfortable sofa and you're in an early primary state, please let me know.
Update [2006-11-15 2:18:13 by Bob Johnson]:
My slogan is:
Bob Johnson `08 Not as bad as the rest of the choices!
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2006/11/15/14913/425
