Some Misc. Funny quotes...

Doug · Jan 28, 2007

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" vAlign=top width="100%">THINGS TO REMEMBER<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

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1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather - who died<o

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peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the <o

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passengers in his car." <o

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- Author Unknown <o

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2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you <o

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get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: <o

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"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." <o

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- Author Unknown <o

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3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? <o

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There's a support group for that. <o

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It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." <o

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- Drew Carey <o

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4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's <o

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not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into <o

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doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, <o

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drop them off at the wrong house." <o

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- Jeff Foxworthy <o

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5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball <o

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and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the <o

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infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." <o

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- Dave Barry <o

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6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and <o

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we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend <o

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wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. <o

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There should be severance pay, the day before they leave <o

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you, they should have to find you a temp." <o

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- Bob Ettinger <o

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7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took <o

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her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, <o

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'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" <o

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- Paula Poundstone <o

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8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have <o

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better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the <o

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authors of that study: "Duh" <o

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- Conan O'Brien <o

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9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm <o

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halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... <o

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I could be eating a slow learner." <o

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- Lynda Montgomery <o

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10) "I think that's how <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com

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people in <ST1:STATE u1:st="on"><ST1

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and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. <o

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Let's go west.'" <o

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- Richard Jeni <o

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11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the <o

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impersonators would be dead." <o

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- Johnny Carson <o

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12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." <o

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- Paul Rodriguez <o

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13) "My parents didn't want to move to <ST1:STATE u1:st="on"><ST1

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but they turned sixty and that's the law" <o

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- Jerry Seinfeld <o

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14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in <o

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case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line <o

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from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? <o

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What, do tall people burn slower?" <o

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- Warren Hutcherson <o

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15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. <o

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Monogamy is the same." <o

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- Oscar Wilde <o

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16) "Suppose you were an idiot And suppose you were a <o

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member of Congress.. But I repeat myself" <o

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- Mark Twain
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17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. <o

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At least they can find <ST1:COUNTRY-REGION u1:st="on"><ST1

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- A. Whitney Brown<o

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18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, <o

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and the dog will give you a look that says, <o

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'My God, you're right! <o

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I never would've thought of that!'" <o

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- Dave Barry<o

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19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? <o

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Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. <o

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- Unknown, presumed deceased
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20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. <o

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I believe I'll have another beer." <o

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- W. C. Fields<o

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And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English!!! <o

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goodcall · Jan 28, 2007

lol these are all great

thanks for sharing

X-Files · Jan 28, 2007

Young lady on the radio recently:

I can't play baseball but i'm a good kisser.

Buster · Jan 28, 2007

Casey Stengel was a purveyor of memorable mound quotes. One time, Tug McGraw begged Stengel to let him stay in a Mets game.

"Let me pitch to one more man," McGraw said. "I struck him out the last time I faced him."

Replied Stengel: "Yeah, but the last time you faced him was this same inning."

Buster · Jan 28, 2007

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REAL JOBS:

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Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

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New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

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And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

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Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

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Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

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Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

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Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

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Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

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Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

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Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

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Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

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Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

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Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

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Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too doggone ugly to kiss good-bye."