<TABLE cellSpacing=7 cellPadding=7 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD>Brady makes Boston relevant</TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=2>Cold Hard Football Facts for February 23, 2007
Why are Bostonians so enamored with Tom Brady? One simple reason: Thanks to his legendary status on the field, and his well-publicized, jet-setting social life off the field, he does something Bostonians have longed for since the days of JFK – he makes Boston relevant. </TD></TR><TR><TD>By Cold, Hard Football Facts contributor Jerry Thornton
If you’re a Baby Boomer and you grew up around Boston, there was one man, one iconic figure, who towered over your life like no other. One giant whose image cast a shadow over the entire culture.
That man was John F. Kennedy.
Every house had JFK’s picture framed on the wall. Every coffee table held a book about “Camelot.” The movie shows on UHF channels ran “PT 109” in regular rotation. Every November, on the anniversary of his death, families
watched “Years of Lightning, Day of Drums” and moms cried when little John-John saluted the casket.
It’s with this warm memory glowing in our black hearts that the Boston contingent of the Cold, Hard Football Facts stands in our triple-XL knickers on the side of the pigskin superhighway and salutes the only man whose legend could match JFK in the hearts and minds (and under the skirts) of the people of New England.
Tom Brady.
As the international row this week over his social life has proven, Brady's officially the biggest celebrity in the history of Boston sports, and the lone reason this confused, stumbling city on the decline can cling to national relevance.
JFK vs. TEB
Both Kennedy and Brady achieved success extremely young: JFK was the youngest president. TEB was the youngest quarterback to win a Super Bowl. Both played the media like Joe Perry strumming a six string. Both were handsome. Both were Irish-Catholic in a town that remains the most Irish-Catholic in the country.
Both made the city of Boston relevant beyond the physically and culturally isolated outpost called New England.
The comparisons between Brady and JFK became all too obvious this week when we discovered that the QB fathered a child with his ex-girlfriend, Hollywood starlet Bridget Moynahan, while he’s cavorting around Paris with his current honey, the most super of supermodels, Giselle Bundchen.
For guys who were raised to idolize Jack Kennedy, this news was like learning that JFK used to boink Marilyn Monroe. Sister Agnes at St. Mary's the Blessed Virgin might have been heartbroken. But to you, learning that a Boston guy would use his fame, fortune and worldwide celebrity to bed the planet’s most desirable woman turned him from a merely a great president (or quarterback) into a certifiable Hero.
In seven short years with the New England Patriots, Brady has become no less than the most legendary figure in the history of Boston sports.
And Boston needs it.
A city on the decline
Boston has suffered an identity crisis since the JFK administration. And the contrast between the city's image of itself and the nation's image of the city could not be more stark.
And in the nearly 44 years since JFK was assassinated, Boston has been a city on the decline. Businesses are heading down south and out west, and the People's Republic of Massachusetts is the only state in the union that lost population in the last census. The state's politicians are a national joke, and its cultural influence peaked with “Cheers,” a show filmed in Hollywood.
As "Cheers" dutifully demonstrated, Boston is a city that lives on two things: politics and sports. But since JFK, its only political near-legends have succumbed to Swift Boats, silly tank rides and Oldsmobiles that don't float. (Note to Mitt: Do not get behind the wheel ... of anything.)
Once-proud Boston simply does not matter politically anymore.
Which leaves us with sports.
While the city has produced some athletic legends, none can stand up to the white-hot light emitting from the two-time Super Bowl MVP.
The Brady Ascendancy
In the pantheon of Boston sports legends, Ted Williams comes quickly to mind. The Splinter is a true American Hero, more so off the field than on it. But he was never a champion, he had a difficult relationship with fans and the Boston media despised him.
Bill Russell was the most prolific champion in team sports history, but he won in half-empty arenas at a time when his sport was behind the Pro Bowlers Tour in popularity.
Bobby Orr is probably the greatest hockey player who ever lived and is still beloved in his adopted hometown. But nobody outside Canada, New England, Minnesota or Michigan ever saw him play.
You could argue Larry Bird. Sure, he helped take the NBA from relative obscurity to an international following
rivaling “Baywatch.” But off the court, Bird had no game. OK, he too had a child out of wedlock.
But Brady impregnated the star of “Coyote Ugly” at a time when she’s filming a lesbian make-out scene with Heather Graham. Bird knocked up the 10th prettiest girl in the French Lick Motor Home Park after working a shift on the garbage truck. And while Bird dated Dinah Mattingly, Brady is dating the girl you masturbate to when your wife leaves the Victoria’s Secret catalog in the bathroom.
Typically, there are six levels of achievement for an NFL quarterback:
1. Lead the league in a major offensive category: Pro Bowler
2. Lead your team to the Super Bowl: Campbell’s Soup Ad With Your Mom
3. Win a Super Bowl: Champion
4. Super Bowl MVP: Hero
5. Win multiple Super Bowls: Hall of Famer
6. Win multiple Super Bowl MVPs: Legend
With the exception of forcing Mrs. Brady to sell soup, Tom has done everything on this list. Now, he's added a seventh category, which he's in all by himself:
7. Win multiple Super Bowl MVPs, date a gorgeous actress, slip the puck past her birth-control goalie, leave her for a Brazilian lingerie model, become famous on three continents: Deity
Only one thing left to do
Brady is now officially a transcendent figure. He plays the most important position in football, the most popular spor
t in the country, for one of the most valuable franchises in the world. He hosts “Saturday Night Live." He meets the Pope. He attends presidential speeches. He appears in fashion magazines. He flips the coin at the Super Bowl when he's not playing in it.
He’s at the top of the Babe Hound food chain in a celebrity ecosystem with no natural predators. His fame has gone so far beyond sports that in a few years, it might be hard to remember what he became famous for in the first place, the way people forget Gov. Schwarzenegger’s days as a homoerotic bodybuilder.
And, of course, Brady is canoodling with Giselle freaking Bundchen. Which makes him big news in the U.S. and the fashion capitals of Europe, and in Brazil, it gives him a higher profile than the statue of Cristo Redentor. The only comparable world sports figure who can rival Brady’s fame in the U.S. and overseas is David Beckham. And there’s not a man alive who wouldn’t knock Posh Spice to the ground and step over her prone body to get to Bridget or Giselle.
Now Brady is a father-to-be. And while we don’t know if the Heir to His Dominion will be a boy or a girl, we do know that the kid will be born into the world with mountains of in-utero publicity, a world class MILF, a legendary dad with an impossibly hot girlfriend, and cheekbones that Dr. 90210 couldn’t produce. A sort of JFK Jr. Jr.
And as hard as it is to imagine, there is one way Brady could actually become more famous:
A Bundchen in the oven. We’re sure he’s working on it.
Cold Hard Football Facts.com
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
Why are Bostonians so enamored with Tom Brady? One simple reason: Thanks to his legendary status on the field, and his well-publicized, jet-setting social life off the field, he does something Bostonians have longed for since the days of JFK – he makes Boston relevant. </TD></TR><TR><TD>By Cold, Hard Football Facts contributor Jerry Thornton
If you’re a Baby Boomer and you grew up around Boston, there was one man, one iconic figure, who towered over your life like no other. One giant whose image cast a shadow over the entire culture.
That man was John F. Kennedy.
Every house had JFK’s picture framed on the wall. Every coffee table held a book about “Camelot.” The movie shows on UHF channels ran “PT 109” in regular rotation. Every November, on the anniversary of his death, families
It’s with this warm memory glowing in our black hearts that the Boston contingent of the Cold, Hard Football Facts stands in our triple-XL knickers on the side of the pigskin superhighway and salutes the only man whose legend could match JFK in the hearts and minds (and under the skirts) of the people of New England.
Tom Brady.
As the international row this week over his social life has proven, Brady's officially the biggest celebrity in the history of Boston sports, and the lone reason this confused, stumbling city on the decline can cling to national relevance.
JFK vs. TEB
Both Kennedy and Brady achieved success extremely young: JFK was the youngest president. TEB was the youngest quarterback to win a Super Bowl. Both played the media like Joe Perry strumming a six string. Both were handsome. Both were Irish-Catholic in a town that remains the most Irish-Catholic in the country.
Both made the city of Boston relevant beyond the physically and culturally isolated outpost called New England.
The comparisons between Brady and JFK became all too obvious this week when we discovered that the QB fathered a child with his ex-girlfriend, Hollywood starlet Bridget Moynahan, while he’s cavorting around Paris with his current honey, the most super of supermodels, Giselle Bundchen.
For guys who were raised to idolize Jack Kennedy, this news was like learning that JFK used to boink Marilyn Monroe. Sister Agnes at St. Mary's the Blessed Virgin might have been heartbroken. But to you, learning that a Boston guy would use his fame, fortune and worldwide celebrity to bed the planet’s most desirable woman turned him from a merely a great president (or quarterback) into a certifiable Hero.
In seven short years with the New England Patriots, Brady has become no less than the most legendary figure in the history of Boston sports.
And Boston needs it.
A city on the decline
Boston has suffered an identity crisis since the JFK administration. And the contrast between the city's image of itself and the nation's image of the city could not be more stark.
- Locals think Boston is enlightened. Outsiders think it's racist.
- Locals think Boston is a hard-working, blue-collar town. Outsiders think it's effeminate and elitist.
- Locals think Boston is cultured and sophisticated. Outsiders think Bostonians talk funny.
- Bostonians make fun of the rest of the country. The rest of the country makes fun of Boston.
- Locals call Boston the "Hub of the Universe." Outsiders call it "Beantown."
And in the nearly 44 years since JFK was assassinated, Boston has been a city on the decline. Businesses are heading down south and out west, and the People's Republic of Massachusetts is the only state in the union that lost population in the last census. The state's politicians are a national joke, and its cultural influence peaked with “Cheers,” a show filmed in Hollywood.
As "Cheers" dutifully demonstrated, Boston is a city that lives on two things: politics and sports. But since JFK, its only political near-legends have succumbed to Swift Boats, silly tank rides and Oldsmobiles that don't float. (Note to Mitt: Do not get behind the wheel ... of anything.)
Once-proud Boston simply does not matter politically anymore.
Which leaves us with sports.
While the city has produced some athletic legends, none can stand up to the white-hot light emitting from the two-time Super Bowl MVP.
The Brady Ascendancy
In the pantheon of Boston sports legends, Ted Williams comes quickly to mind. The Splinter is a true American Hero, more so off the field than on it. But he was never a champion, he had a difficult relationship with fans and the Boston media despised him.
Bill Russell was the most prolific champion in team sports history, but he won in half-empty arenas at a time when his sport was behind the Pro Bowlers Tour in popularity.
Bobby Orr is probably the greatest hockey player who ever lived and is still beloved in his adopted hometown. But nobody outside Canada, New England, Minnesota or Michigan ever saw him play.
You could argue Larry Bird. Sure, he helped take the NBA from relative obscurity to an international following
But Brady impregnated the star of “Coyote Ugly” at a time when she’s filming a lesbian make-out scene with Heather Graham. Bird knocked up the 10th prettiest girl in the French Lick Motor Home Park after working a shift on the garbage truck. And while Bird dated Dinah Mattingly, Brady is dating the girl you masturbate to when your wife leaves the Victoria’s Secret catalog in the bathroom.
Typically, there are six levels of achievement for an NFL quarterback:
1. Lead the league in a major offensive category: Pro Bowler
2. Lead your team to the Super Bowl: Campbell’s Soup Ad With Your Mom
3. Win a Super Bowl: Champion
4. Super Bowl MVP: Hero
5. Win multiple Super Bowls: Hall of Famer
6. Win multiple Super Bowl MVPs: Legend
With the exception of forcing Mrs. Brady to sell soup, Tom has done everything on this list. Now, he's added a seventh category, which he's in all by himself:
7. Win multiple Super Bowl MVPs, date a gorgeous actress, slip the puck past her birth-control goalie, leave her for a Brazilian lingerie model, become famous on three continents: Deity
Only one thing left to do
Brady is now officially a transcendent figure. He plays the most important position in football, the most popular spor
He’s at the top of the Babe Hound food chain in a celebrity ecosystem with no natural predators. His fame has gone so far beyond sports that in a few years, it might be hard to remember what he became famous for in the first place, the way people forget Gov. Schwarzenegger’s days as a homoerotic bodybuilder.
And, of course, Brady is canoodling with Giselle freaking Bundchen. Which makes him big news in the U.S. and the fashion capitals of Europe, and in Brazil, it gives him a higher profile than the statue of Cristo Redentor. The only comparable world sports figure who can rival Brady’s fame in the U.S. and overseas is David Beckham. And there’s not a man alive who wouldn’t knock Posh Spice to the ground and step over her prone body to get to Bridget or Giselle.
Now Brady is a father-to-be. And while we don’t know if the Heir to His Dominion will be a boy or a girl, we do know that the kid will be born into the world with mountains of in-utero publicity, a world class MILF, a legendary dad with an impossibly hot girlfriend, and cheekbones that Dr. 90210 couldn’t produce. A sort of JFK Jr. Jr.
And as hard as it is to imagine, there is one way Brady could actually become more famous:
A Bundchen in the oven. We’re sure he’s working on it.
Cold Hard Football Facts.com
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