10. Gregor Fucka
The countdown begins with Italian basketball player Gregor Fucka. When Fucka's mother gave birth to Gregor in Slovenia on August 7, 1971, she could not have imagined that one day her little Fucka would be an Olympic athlete. Mother Fucka's husband, Gregor's father, is of Italian ancestry which allowed Gregor to become an Italian national and move to Trieste at the age of 19 to play in the Italian league. The 7-foot Fucka represented Italy at the 2000 Olympic games in Sydney and won the fucking 2003 Spanish National Cup while playing for FC Barcelona.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. B.J. Johnson
B.J. Johnson was a standout wide receiver for the Texas Longhorns from 2000 to 2003. While at Texas, Johnson set 7 freshman receiving records, underperformed as an upper-classman and was signed as a free agent by the Denver Broncos after graduation. In two seasons with the Broncos, 2004 and 2005, B.J. did not play in a single game. It is fair to say that B.J. Johnson sucks. Johnson, who is currently signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, has a name composed of dual dick references.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. Pete LaCock
Speaking of dick, Pete LaCock played 9 seasons with the Chicago Cubs and Kansas City Royals from 1972 to 1980 (although this card is from 1981, LaCock retired before the season began). Born Ralph Pierre LaCock in Burbank, California, Pete was a utility player who never quite packed any punch with the bat. Interestingly, LaCock's father, Peter Marshall, was the host of "Hollywood Squares" from 1966-1981. The elder LaCock, born with the LaCock name, changed his name to Marshall to pursue an acting career in Hollywood. His baseball-playing son kept the old name, LaCock, which, in French I believe means "the penis."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. Danny Shittu
This Nigerian footballer currently plays for Watford F.C. in the English Premier League. The 26-year-old defender has become a crowd favorite and the Watford faithful have given Danny his own chant. They chant "Dan" a whole bunch of times and then in the middle of it say, "And when you turn, you'll see he's black dynamite. And his name is Dan Shittu!" Interesting that a guy called Shittu is nicknamed "black dynamite." Actual black dynamite describes something dark, cylindrical and explosive. Sorta like shit. And an aside, are English soccer fans ever going to cut the racist shit out? Shittu joins #6 and #3 on this countdown and Albert Pujols and Assol Slivets on the first dirty name list in the scatological subcategory.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. Harry Colon
Harry Colon played 6 NFL seasons from 1991-97 with the Patriots, Lions and Jaguars. The safety holds the Jaguars record for interceptions in a season with three. More notable than Colon's football career is his very dirty name, one that elicits some terrifying imagery. The colon is the portion of the intestines that extracts water from outgoing feces. And imagining that already foul tube lined with hair makes me want to gag.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. Lucious Pusey
Aw man. This isn't a fake either. Lucious Pusey is a linebacker for the Division I-AA Eastern Illiois Panthers. What on earth were Lucious's parents thinking when they signed the birth certificate? Lucious is the only Pusey I've ever seen with dreadlocks. According to Deadspin.com, Luscious Pusey has legally changed his name. His new name is Lucious Twatstein. Just kidding. It's Lucious Seymour. But I think he should have gone with Lucious Seymour Pusey.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. Dick Pole
Sometimes I wish I could write using a Butthead impression. "Uh, huh-huh, Dick Pole." But I can't so I won't. Dick Pole, born Richard Henry Pole was a pitcher with the Red Sox and Mariners in the 70s. Currently, Pole is the pitching coach for the Cincinnati Reds. Despite having the ultimate porn name, Pole chose a career in baseball and also chose to go by Dick, which seems quite imprudent if you have the surname "Pole." If there weren't enough penis allusions already swirling around this pitcher, he became most famous for getting hit by a line drive in the head. That's right, Dick Pole sustained a head injury. The ball broke his jaw and Dick lost 90% usage of the vision in one eye. And what's a Dick without his eye?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. Dean Windass
Finally, a flatulence-related name. I was getting sick of all the dick stuff. Dean Windass is a striker for Bradford City. The Englishman is known around soccer for his foul play. And with a name like Windass, foulness can only be expected. In November 1997, while playing against Dundee United, Windass earned himself 3 red cards. And in September 2006, Windass was accused of grabbing Cheltenham Town player John Finnigan by the nuts during a game. Windass, which I thought was the medical name of a condition I have from time to time, aims to be the all-time goal scorer in Bradford City history. Though maybe a dirty player, he certainly isn't a stinker.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. Misty Hyman
Could there be a better name for a female swimmer than Misty Hyman? Since she was a little girl, Hyman was always in the water dreaming of swimming for the U.S. at the Olympics. Hyman broke out at the 2000 Sydney Olympics when she won a gold medal in the 200m butterfly. However, after her improbable victory, Hyman dropped off and failed to qualify for the 2004 Athens games. Hyman has since disappeared from Olympic swimming. She now teaches young swimmers proper stroke technique and has released a DVD called "Go Swim Butterfly with Misty Hyman." Just tell me the time and the place.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Rusty Kuntz
And finally, the #1 Dirtiest Name in Sports (the second time around) is Rusty Kuntz. Kuntz played outfield for the White Sox, Twins and Tigers from 1979 to 1985. Interestingly, the #1 name on the first dirty sports countdown was Chubby Cox which is the male equivalent of the name Rusty Kuntz. Both names feature adjectives modifying the plural form of a dirty word for a sexual organ. With regard to the name Rusty Kuntz, the adjective has dual meanings. The word "rusty" can mean "covered by or affected by rust" or, the definition I prefer in this case: "having lost agility or alertness; out of practice." When coupled with Kuntz, a homophone of (let's get it over with) cunts, the name means an out of practice vagina. And any guy reading this who has been married for a while or who is dating a girl who has been single for a while, knows about this phenomenon. As it is common to hear people say, "I'm a bit rusty on the tennis court" or "My Spanish is kind of rusty", this former major leaguer gives rise to an entirely new usage. Ladies, the next time you meet a new guy and he's badgering you to have sex with him, smile at him sweetly and tell him your cunt's a bit rusty
The countdown begins with Italian basketball player Gregor Fucka. When Fucka's mother gave birth to Gregor in Slovenia on August 7, 1971, she could not have imagined that one day her little Fucka would be an Olympic athlete. Mother Fucka's husband, Gregor's father, is of Italian ancestry which allowed Gregor to become an Italian national and move to Trieste at the age of 19 to play in the Italian league. The 7-foot Fucka represented Italy at the 2000 Olympic games in Sydney and won the fucking 2003 Spanish National Cup while playing for FC Barcelona.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
9. B.J. Johnson
B.J. Johnson was a standout wide receiver for the Texas Longhorns from 2000 to 2003. While at Texas, Johnson set 7 freshman receiving records, underperformed as an upper-classman and was signed as a free agent by the Denver Broncos after graduation. In two seasons with the Broncos, 2004 and 2005, B.J. did not play in a single game. It is fair to say that B.J. Johnson sucks. Johnson, who is currently signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, has a name composed of dual dick references.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8. Pete LaCock
Speaking of dick, Pete LaCock played 9 seasons with the Chicago Cubs and Kansas City Royals from 1972 to 1980 (although this card is from 1981, LaCock retired before the season began). Born Ralph Pierre LaCock in Burbank, California, Pete was a utility player who never quite packed any punch with the bat. Interestingly, LaCock's father, Peter Marshall, was the host of "Hollywood Squares" from 1966-1981. The elder LaCock, born with the LaCock name, changed his name to Marshall to pursue an acting career in Hollywood. His baseball-playing son kept the old name, LaCock, which, in French I believe means "the penis."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7. Danny Shittu
This Nigerian footballer currently plays for Watford F.C. in the English Premier League. The 26-year-old defender has become a crowd favorite and the Watford faithful have given Danny his own chant. They chant "Dan" a whole bunch of times and then in the middle of it say, "And when you turn, you'll see he's black dynamite. And his name is Dan Shittu!" Interesting that a guy called Shittu is nicknamed "black dynamite." Actual black dynamite describes something dark, cylindrical and explosive. Sorta like shit. And an aside, are English soccer fans ever going to cut the racist shit out? Shittu joins #6 and #3 on this countdown and Albert Pujols and Assol Slivets on the first dirty name list in the scatological subcategory.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. Harry Colon
Harry Colon played 6 NFL seasons from 1991-97 with the Patriots, Lions and Jaguars. The safety holds the Jaguars record for interceptions in a season with three. More notable than Colon's football career is his very dirty name, one that elicits some terrifying imagery. The colon is the portion of the intestines that extracts water from outgoing feces. And imagining that already foul tube lined with hair makes me want to gag.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5. Lucious Pusey
Aw man. This isn't a fake either. Lucious Pusey is a linebacker for the Division I-AA Eastern Illiois Panthers. What on earth were Lucious's parents thinking when they signed the birth certificate? Lucious is the only Pusey I've ever seen with dreadlocks. According to Deadspin.com, Luscious Pusey has legally changed his name. His new name is Lucious Twatstein. Just kidding. It's Lucious Seymour. But I think he should have gone with Lucious Seymour Pusey.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4. Dick Pole
Sometimes I wish I could write using a Butthead impression. "Uh, huh-huh, Dick Pole." But I can't so I won't. Dick Pole, born Richard Henry Pole was a pitcher with the Red Sox and Mariners in the 70s. Currently, Pole is the pitching coach for the Cincinnati Reds. Despite having the ultimate porn name, Pole chose a career in baseball and also chose to go by Dick, which seems quite imprudent if you have the surname "Pole." If there weren't enough penis allusions already swirling around this pitcher, he became most famous for getting hit by a line drive in the head. That's right, Dick Pole sustained a head injury. The ball broke his jaw and Dick lost 90% usage of the vision in one eye. And what's a Dick without his eye?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3. Dean Windass
Finally, a flatulence-related name. I was getting sick of all the dick stuff. Dean Windass is a striker for Bradford City. The Englishman is known around soccer for his foul play. And with a name like Windass, foulness can only be expected. In November 1997, while playing against Dundee United, Windass earned himself 3 red cards. And in September 2006, Windass was accused of grabbing Cheltenham Town player John Finnigan by the nuts during a game. Windass, which I thought was the medical name of a condition I have from time to time, aims to be the all-time goal scorer in Bradford City history. Though maybe a dirty player, he certainly isn't a stinker.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2. Misty Hyman
Could there be a better name for a female swimmer than Misty Hyman? Since she was a little girl, Hyman was always in the water dreaming of swimming for the U.S. at the Olympics. Hyman broke out at the 2000 Sydney Olympics when she won a gold medal in the 200m butterfly. However, after her improbable victory, Hyman dropped off and failed to qualify for the 2004 Athens games. Hyman has since disappeared from Olympic swimming. She now teaches young swimmers proper stroke technique and has released a DVD called "Go Swim Butterfly with Misty Hyman." Just tell me the time and the place.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Rusty Kuntz
And finally, the #1 Dirtiest Name in Sports (the second time around) is Rusty Kuntz. Kuntz played outfield for the White Sox, Twins and Tigers from 1979 to 1985. Interestingly, the #1 name on the first dirty sports countdown was Chubby Cox which is the male equivalent of the name Rusty Kuntz. Both names feature adjectives modifying the plural form of a dirty word for a sexual organ. With regard to the name Rusty Kuntz, the adjective has dual meanings. The word "rusty" can mean "covered by or affected by rust" or, the definition I prefer in this case: "having lost agility or alertness; out of practice." When coupled with Kuntz, a homophone of (let's get it over with) cunts, the name means an out of practice vagina. And any guy reading this who has been married for a while or who is dating a girl who has been single for a while, knows about this phenomenon. As it is common to hear people say, "I'm a bit rusty on the tennis court" or "My Spanish is kind of rusty", this former major leaguer gives rise to an entirely new usage. Ladies, the next time you meet a new guy and he's badgering you to have sex with him, smile at him sweetly and tell him your cunt's a bit rusty
