[LuckyLester]

Bad Beat of the Week

To start out with, let me say this; I hate ***** quarterbacks that go in and get hurt right off the bat, crushing my gambling dreams right off the bat. That means you, Kurt Warner and your non-throwing elbow – but hey, buddy, thanks for getting a signature fumble in the books before you exited – and you Vince Young – thanks for that token interception before your departure – Madden Cover-Boy. It doesn’t just happen in the NFL, though – more than a couple times last week, the NCAAs sandy britches quarterbacks busted my balls as well. This week’s Bad Beat comes courtesy of the San Diego Chargers, but more personally, one LaDainian “Spread Killer” Tomlinson. LT2 indeed…

***

Being Billy Badass, like you are, you’re back for yet another week of sports’ gambling action. Either you’re so sick of the Bad Beats, the heart ache, the migraines, and the on again off again spurts you’ve had with throwing couches and other living room fixtures (coffee tables, corner lamps, cats) into brand-new 54inch DLP TVs (“it’s the mirrors), not to mention the creative explanations you’ve given insurance companies in hopes of recouping on a new TV, (Like how a wild pack of raccoons came in and started throwing things around, busting your screen up*) that you have to give it another chance – or, you just like all that shit. Either way, you’re back…

But this week will be different – not only are you taking the Raiders to cover that enormous spread in San Diego, but so are hundreds of other gambling degenerates on the message board where you spend more time than Michael Jackson has spent looking for his other glove. That’s not it, instead of the 9.5 that makes you cringe a little bit, you get in on a Raiders +10 bet that seems too good to be true.

It’s not tough to call, right? You have the Chargers, who’ve pretty much sucked all season long aside from one game against the damn Broncos. And you have the Raiders, who are a timeout and a field goal away from 3 easy wins, and they’re coming off an absolute stomping of the Dolphins in Miami. San Diego is about as friendly a place to play as the NFL has to offer, aside from Carolina where the Panthers seem to lay down more than Brittany Spears at a frat party. In fact, you checked the numbers before your “easy” wager and you came away realizing that more Raider fans would be at the game than Charger fans.

Sure, Daunte Culpepper has hands that would swim around in you 7-year old’s baseball gloves, but he looks like he’s back to being the old “rolling” C-Pep. And sure, the Chargers were money last season, but they have 2 wins on the year, one was against a Denver team that seemed a little “high” and a Bear team that has been a broken shell of their former selves. Oakland has to make Phillip Rivers beat them, and put 9 guys in the box against LT. Your 10 points seem better and better every time you look at them.

Seven minutes into the game, LaDainian Tomlinson had already rushed for 2 touchdowns and was approaching 100 yards. It didn’t look good. But you’re only down 4, and while Culpepper is busy getting tacks surgically inserted into his fingertips so he can hold onto the ball, you’re thinking of magical ways that you could personally eliminate Shawne Merriman from this contest. No dice on either matter.

The Raiders tighten in the second quarter, allowing absolutely zero points while the offense shows absolutely no life whatsoever. Fortunately, Oakland’s defense steps up big and takes an arrant Phillp Rivers wobbler back for a touchdown, and your Raiders are down only 7 going into half-time. Now, all the Raiders have to do is make Phillip beat them – no more LT touchdown runs – he has his 2 scores, and that’s enough to remind the Raiders’ coaching staff that he still owns your ass just like Al Davis does. Side note – an offensive touchdown, just one, will almost certainly cover for you. Lets go Kinder-Care Mittens! Do your thing! Just in case the coaching staff didn’t figure it out for themselves, you took it unto yourself to send Lane Kiffin the message. Two weeks ago, you got a hold of an email that posted 35 NFL coaches and players’ numbers and sure ‘nough, Lane’s cell was listed. No answer at half time, but you leave a nice little text anyway.

Regardless of your pep-talk via cell-phone text message to Lane –“9 in the box, or I’ll put 9 in your wife’s box,” LT gets another rushing touchdown off of the Chargers’ first drive of the second half. All you see is Merriman, Shaun Phillips, and Luis Castillo sacking Daunte, and the rest of the Chargers killing that Oakland rushing attack. Before you pull all your hair out, the Raiders hop down the field in the 4th quarter, down 14, and put up a touchdown on a 1 yard Baby Hands’ toss to rookie TE, Zach Miller.

You’re in. No way the Raiders are scoring again, hell it took them 45 minutes to score their first offensive points of the game. And in all reality, all the Chargers need to do, is get a first down or two, or just punt the damn ball back to the Raiders. Your chances of covering this game are close to 90%. The only thing that could kill you is a Sproles kickoff return for a touchdown (no problem, he ran the ball out from the end-zone and only got to the 15 yard-line) or the Raiders give up a big run late…. Norv Turner comes out with a pass call to Antonio Gates for the first of 3 first downs that you need for this game to be over. LT almost breaks it, but still has a big run, gaining 16 yards. Then LT takes the ball for another 10 yards, doing his damnedest to gain 200 bills, but this time he runs out of bounds. Michael Turner runs for 2 yards, and then LT goes for 5, making it 3rd and 3. And then, just like that, that other thing happens. LT, against a defensive front that is doing everything in their power to stop the run, takes the ball right, breaks a tackle, and goes 41 yards to the house. 28-14.

Daunte’s final attempts go for not, as he’s sacked, the offensive line takes a holding penalty, and you don’t even get a last second Hail-Mary to get your hopes up again.

How does Raiders +10 look now, buddy? Don’t throw that Milwaukee’s Best into your TV trying to break Lane Kiffin’s face – the insurance man might catch you this time, and I doubt he’ll believe that it was just like those “Men should act like Men” commercials. Go back to shoveling poop out of the dog kennel and throwing pinecones at your kids when they’re not looking – this football betting game is not for you.


*That Raccoon thing - Actually happened to me, I kid you not, the bastards left little raccoon footprints all over my desk, threw two kitty-dishes into my lap-top computer and broke the screen rendering the device completely useless – true story.

[theDonger]

why bother? who cares? move on buddy, way too focused on one game

[LuckyLester]

why bother? who cares? move on buddy, way too focused on one game

Sorry man, obviously you don't know that I've been doing these the last few weeks, and plan on doing them more. People seem to enjoy them, and I'm a writer, so that's what I do. I also have a good time going over the games and being satirical. Thanks for your sweet input though.

[Gaz]

Keep it going Lester, funny stuff. Feel free to entertain your writing outlet.

[Oren1]

yeah, *sigh*, I expected the Raiders to play a little better, obviously. This is the first time their offensive line really struggled and reminded you how bad they were last year, the first 4 games they looked better and much improved. Culpepper looked good in Miami when they could protect him but against the Chargers he looked really bad when his protection broke down, and even when the plays were quick passes in the 1st quarter he was just flat out bad and inaccurate. The guy was a mess the first half. And so what do they do at the end of the half 1st and goal, do they give it to Jordan who has been money all year or give it to Culpepper who was a disaster area the entire game so far? WTF I couldn't believe that play call. Absolutely terrible. Some will argue, and Kiffen did argue this point, if the receiver wasn't open he was supposed to throw it away, but he didn't. And that's why I would have run it because Culpepper was not trustworthy to manage even the simplest plays at that point. The last Charger touchdown was a killer, everyone knew they were going to run it, the Raiders practically stacked the entire defense at the line and LT just blew right through them all, ugh their run defense is really bad this year so far...

[LuckyLester]

Keep it going Lester, funny stuff. Feel free to entertain your writing outlet.

thanks, and I will....

[LuckyLester]

yeah, *sigh*, I expected the Raiders to play a little better, obviously. This is the first time their offensive line really struggled and reminded you how bad they were last year, the first 4 games they looked better and much improved. Culpepper looked good in Miami when they could protect him but against the Chargers he looked really bad when his protection broke down, and even when the plays were quick passes in the 1st quarter he was just flat out bad and inaccurate. The guy was a mess the first half. And so what do they do at the end of the half 1st and goal, do they give it to Jordan who has been money all year or give it to Culpepper who was a disaster area the entire game so far? WTF I couldn't believe that play call. Absolutely terrible. Some will argue, and Kiffen did argue this point, if the receiver wasn't open he was supposed to throw it away, but he didn't. And that's why I would have run it because Culpepper was not trustworthy to manage even the simplest plays at that point. The last Charger touchdown was a killer, everyone knew they were going to run it, the Raiders practically stacked the entire defense at the line and LT just blew right through them all, ugh their run defense is really bad this year so far...

It makes me think they won't be able to stop LJ, either. There are a couple guys out there who think Warren Sapp will come back and help stopping the run - c'mon, at the weight he's at, he's a pass rushing defensive tackle at best. He's not stopping any solid rushing attack.

[thecruncher]

LMFAO - "9 in the box..." Biggest laugh I've had in the forum all year, n1! Raccoons are apparently a big problem up in Canada, eh? Errant, Lester, errant -- are you too good of a writer to use spellcheck? lol

Oh yeah, the Raiders goal line botchery at the end of the first half cost me the Over 44, fer f's sake.

[prodigy]

lester, your posts offer some much needed levity on the forums. ive made it a point to check your weekly threads out after reading one of you nfl classics from a few weeks back.

[LuckyLester]

LMFAO - "9 in the box..." Biggest laugh I've had in the forum all year, n1! Raccoons are apparently a big problem up in Canada, eh? Errant, Lester, errant -- are you too good of a writer to use spellcheck? lol

Oh yeah, the Raiders goal line botchery at the end of the first half cost me the Over 44, fer f's sake.

You caught me, its not that I think I'm too good of a writer to use spell check, it's just that I'm not too interested in the damn thing. For the most part I write at least semi-flawlessly, but you caught me on errant. See, I went back to my prose, and the deal is, it wouldn't have caught it anyway. Apparently arrant means something too, damn! Anyhow, glad I could get a good laugh out of you, fuck raccoons, and cheers to never using spell check!

[LuckyLester]

lester, your posts offer some much needed levity on the forums. ive made it a point to check your weekly threads out after reading one of you nfl classics from a few weeks back.

Glad I could help take some weight off... A good laugh is always a good thing.

[Oren1]

It makes me think they won't be able to stop LJ, either. There are a couple guys out there who think Warren Sapp will come back and help stopping the run - c'mon, at the weight he's at, he's a pass rushing defensive tackle at best. He's not stopping any solid rushing attack.

I'm pretty worried about this game too. If I had to bet on it I guess I'd take the Chiefs.

[juicemaster]

Keep 'em comming Lester.......it's always fun to read these.

[LuckyLester]

I would stay away from Oakland as a favorite - that just doesn't seem to bode well for them.

I don't like KC all that much, but their defense is much better than advertised, and I don't see the Raiders slowing LJ much. Huard is a decent starter - I like the Chiefs here.

[ensign_lee]

I found that very entertaining. Good stuff.

[LuckyLester]

Glad you enjoyed it... come back next week as I am sure there will be another chance for a bad beat in the NFL.

[theDonger]

Sorry man, obviously you don't know that I've been doing these the last few weeks, and plan on doing them more. People seem to enjoy them, and I'm a writer, so that's what I do. I also have a good time going over the games and being satirical. Thanks for your sweet input though.

Lester, my apologies, I didn't really read the full content of your post (some funny shit man!) Admittedly, I tuned out as I thought this was a typical "wine-about-your-loss" thread and not the satirical piece that it is. Keep up the good work and GL to you in the future. Again, sorry for the misunderstanding.

[Hold'em]

Thanks for the entertainment Lester. Good stuff.

[Whisperz]

Good shit Lester. Keep em coming.

But, this one was especially entertaining because rather then taking a bad beat, I got to dish it!

Chargers -10..bang.

Funny stuff and good job.