i almost made it a full year.....still hanging on, but it looks like i'm gonna fall a little short.
running behind now on my cable and vehicle. i wonder now, with 6 months left to pay on it, how quick they'll be to repo it. i never missed a payment till now, but considering how little i owe on it -- which is about a 3rd of the resale value -- are they gonna cut me much slack?
i did my food shopping last week because i knew this was coming. that part of the brain that screams "SURVIVE!" told me to do so. had a couple tickets i also paid off -- went through a 3 day stretch last month where i got in a little trouble, and i still think i did the shit on purpose.
right before Xmas i went on tilt and did something stupid. i texted a close friend of mine and told him i was electing him to take care of my dog. i think he misunderstood. when i finally got over my shame i called him back. he asks me how much i need because he'd hate to see me lose everything. i made him give me his word that he'd say no if i should ask. if i felt like i had an out he would be the first i'd call. but right now i have no outs. there are a couple others in my life who i would rather burn before asking for a goddamn thing. funny: one person who i know who would go through hell to do anything for me, but i won't ask because i feel i would be compromising our friendship because i honestly don't think i give a shit anymore. and there's a couple people who i could ask, but i won't do so because i don't want to give them that satisfaction. people i call family who screwed me when i had something and pretended like it never happened, and i'll be damned if i swallow it and ask them for help now.
not that i really need help. someone once said "there's some people who you just can't help".....i think i'm that fucking guy......and i don't know why......in one year i've managed to turn myself into an alcoholic singing the blues to a crowd that i can't see.....which i guess is better than doing it in front of those who give a shit.....
so i have $150......yeah, my life savings, down to $150.....funny thing is, i would've been good till about march, but as things have dried up i've been pushing harder.....and when things were good.....i didn't even push at all.....
anybody who's read my posts for the past few months probably saw this coming, as i've never made much of an effort to lie about what's going on....somehow i've gotten to know certain names on this forum better than i know people in the real world.....
so if nothing else, it's gonna get interesting over about the next 7 to 10 days....at least i had the good sense not to push all in today, but it's coming....don't know what the point of all this is, except maybe i'm drinking and waiting on dinner and thinking maybe there's someone who can relate to this.....when i had 35k in the bank and i hit something for $200, guess what? yeah, that 200 bucks was gone on a gutshot draw.....now i'd just love to have $200 i could bet without the stress of losing......so take care of your bankroll if you're fortunate enough to have one, when you're sitting on over 30k, 200 bucks doesn't sound like much, but come talk to me now....the sting of pissing it all away kind of hits you at once.....
so, most likely you will see me around, and when i wake up and log in i'll be like
hno:......but if i drop off the face of the world within the next 2 weeks you shall know......
and a month from now, if i'm starting a thread in the OS about the sirloin i'm cooking up, then......
i'm gonna chalk this up to the thrill of victory......or the agony of defeat.....
running behind now on my cable and vehicle. i wonder now, with 6 months left to pay on it, how quick they'll be to repo it. i never missed a payment till now, but considering how little i owe on it -- which is about a 3rd of the resale value -- are they gonna cut me much slack?
i did my food shopping last week because i knew this was coming. that part of the brain that screams "SURVIVE!" told me to do so. had a couple tickets i also paid off -- went through a 3 day stretch last month where i got in a little trouble, and i still think i did the shit on purpose.
right before Xmas i went on tilt and did something stupid. i texted a close friend of mine and told him i was electing him to take care of my dog. i think he misunderstood. when i finally got over my shame i called him back. he asks me how much i need because he'd hate to see me lose everything. i made him give me his word that he'd say no if i should ask. if i felt like i had an out he would be the first i'd call. but right now i have no outs. there are a couple others in my life who i would rather burn before asking for a goddamn thing. funny: one person who i know who would go through hell to do anything for me, but i won't ask because i feel i would be compromising our friendship because i honestly don't think i give a shit anymore. and there's a couple people who i could ask, but i won't do so because i don't want to give them that satisfaction. people i call family who screwed me when i had something and pretended like it never happened, and i'll be damned if i swallow it and ask them for help now.
not that i really need help. someone once said "there's some people who you just can't help".....i think i'm that fucking guy......and i don't know why......in one year i've managed to turn myself into an alcoholic singing the blues to a crowd that i can't see.....which i guess is better than doing it in front of those who give a shit.....
so i have $150......yeah, my life savings, down to $150.....funny thing is, i would've been good till about march, but as things have dried up i've been pushing harder.....and when things were good.....i didn't even push at all.....
anybody who's read my posts for the past few months probably saw this coming, as i've never made much of an effort to lie about what's going on....somehow i've gotten to know certain names on this forum better than i know people in the real world.....
so if nothing else, it's gonna get interesting over about the next 7 to 10 days....at least i had the good sense not to push all in today, but it's coming....don't know what the point of all this is, except maybe i'm drinking and waiting on dinner and thinking maybe there's someone who can relate to this.....when i had 35k in the bank and i hit something for $200, guess what? yeah, that 200 bucks was gone on a gutshot draw.....now i'd just love to have $200 i could bet without the stress of losing......so take care of your bankroll if you're fortunate enough to have one, when you're sitting on over 30k, 200 bucks doesn't sound like much, but come talk to me now....the sting of pissing it all away kind of hits you at once.....
so, most likely you will see me around, and when i wake up and log in i'll be like
hno:......but if i drop off the face of the world within the next 2 weeks you shall know......and a month from now, if i'm starting a thread in the OS about the sirloin i'm cooking up, then......
i'm gonna chalk this up to the thrill of victory......or the agony of defeat.....
