Some things are just not meant to be i guess........

Something is trying to tell me its time to give up. This is a long story and it'll Rubber pretty quick but i want/need to get it off my chest.

I went to Vegas 10 days or so ago. I didnt go expecting to meet stars and win millions. But i did think id run into a poster or 2 and have a lot of fun bouncing from casino to casino. Well not 1 poster even acknowledged my presence with a "stop by for coffee"....not shocking really as i probably dont come off as the most social poster here at the R/X. But then it snowed the 1st day i was there, never got above 40d the entire time i was there and the only time i saw the strip was on the ride to the airport to go home. I spent 30 mins in a N.LasVegas casino and other than that the only good thing that happened was i repaired my daughters washing machine.....and pullled the big muscle in my back that runs under the shoulder blades.It'll take months to heal as u only use that muscle to do everything including breathe

So i come home and go to the doctor. "i think its a pulled muscle but lets do an x-ray to b sure". Yea its a pulled muscle, live on muscle relaxers for who knows how long and one day it will be ok. Great news. The MR's gave me the runs so i blew them off after 4 days and just been living with the pain.
So last week i get a call from the doctor...can i come in? sure. Well when they sent the x-rays off to a radioligist as standard procedure he found a 14mm mass on my left lung....They cant tell what it is so im booked to see a specialist next week.
So last night im sitting here in agony with totally nothing to do. Somehow i wind up on a respected posters Twitter page....he's in Biloxi , about 1.5 hrs from my house. he tweets that its 7pm or so and hes pretty deep in a tourny thats just broke for dinner. Well i figure an hour for lunch and i could be there before they get to the final table 4 sure. i go soak in hot water, take a couple advils and i think i can make it so off i go. My back starts hurting more and more as im driving and by the time i get there it hurts so bad i can barely walk.
I drag myself into the casino , make it to the lobby just outside where the tournys are being played at but i cant stand up long enough to go in and walk all the tables to find the guy....not to mention im not going to walk up to a guy ive never met before while hes in the middle of a $2500 entry fee tourny and introduce myself. So he's twittering pretty often so ill just sit in the lobby and wait , maybe catch him on the next bathroom break or whatever. Its about 8 pm. At 10.30pm not another tweet has come, i figure ive driven all this way for nothing cus he must have busted out and left.
I dont know what to do, i can barely walk and im sure i cant make it home. So i take 4 advils, 2 muscle relaxers and half a pain killer ive been keeping for emergencys and hit the road.....once again ive spent 3 hours in a casino without seeing anyone i even recognize or playing 1 hand of anything. Im 45 mins gone from the casino when my phone goes off.....you guessed it....its him...he still there , still playing and only a few tables left. Now im in full on depression.
Im so dissapointed and in pain and thinking about all the things ive written here at the same time that some seriously bad thoughts start going thru my mind.
For 1 im pretty sure fate is telling me im done as a gambler...im not a has been im a never was.
For 2 im pretty sure not only do i not have a friend in the world i may not even have anyone who even wants me in their presence long enough to say "hi"....Ive become the Elephant Man on steriods.
Ive let my life become a fantasy spent on this computer...It made for a lot of dreams that never came true and never will.
Im not announcing im leaving the RX....But depending on what happens with the doctor next week i have to make some changes in my life. And most of them revolve around this computer, this site, online poker and my stupid notion that if i ever became successfull i would somehow be accepted.....Im thinking right now the best thing for me to do is spend as much time as i can with my 2 grandkids and prepare to ride off into the sunset one day.
The RX has proudly been my home page for over 10 years. And the only poster i ever met here beat me out of $100 before he got the permanent ban.
There is no sports for me for awhile, Saints are done, LSU doesnt even have a basketball team anymore. So until Sept ill just try to ck in once or twice a month to see how you guys are doing.
Just wouldnt be right not to post a video with this outstanding venture into self pity and loathing.....rxb@ll

i feel your pain brotha P....there's been many a night.....and i think it's always gonna be that way, at least for me, cause i got that bug

If i was in a lot of pain, i'd be at the emergency ward of a hospital, not going to a poker tourney.

Can you get some T3's or morphine somewhere? Maybe heroin, crack, escstasy, cocaine or prescribed pot would help?

I think we all have these moments sometimes. Just try to stay positive and look at the finer things in life (like spending time with your grandchildren, as you mentioned). I've visited the poker forum quite a bit and I know you post plenty of the tough beats and losses of online poker. Maybe its time to take a long break from that and just enjoy living a bit.

And PS- Also a Saints/LSU guy and from La.....From one cajun to another- keep your head up. :toast:

Pretty sad post man. In all seriousness (and I don't mean to sound condescending) have you thought about possibly seeking professional help?

Maybe it's time to take a break from gambling for a little bit and enjoy the great things life has in store for you. Don't let a few lousy bumps in life lead you on a detour. Make the most of what and who you have in your presence. And fore most, you don't want to leave the RX. IMO no matter how shitty my day is going, I feel like I can always login here to get a few laughs and brighten my day up a bit.

not to sound like an asshole, but you seem to take alot of time and effort to get to places, but never bother to plan out what you are going to do when you get there? I mean why are you traveling 1 1/2 hrs to a casino without maybe asking whoever your going to meet if they want to meet up or is anyone going to be in vegas when im out there? idk just seems like you get to the point of hanging out and then you just sit in the corner and not say a word

Spend a couple of days away from the poker room, pull up a comfortable chair and read this book cover to cover. http://www.amazon.com/Power-Positive-Thinking-Norman-Vincent/dp/0449911470
I PROMISE you you'll feel like a million bucks by next week. It changed my life 20 years ago and I often still read chapters out of this book when I need a pick me up.

As some other posters on here have indicated, it might be time to step aside for a little while. If I was in debilitating pain, I wouldn't kill myself by hopping in the car and meeting a guy at a poker tourney a couple hours away. The games and poker tourneys will always be there to bet on, and nothing kills a losing streak like taking a break. It's hard to remember sometimes when you're wrapped up in poker and handicapping night after night, but there are plenty of far more important things that could take up your time. Especially since you mentioned you have grandkids.

Not to mention, before you went to Vegas, did you actually tell anyone on this forum that you'd be coming?

Plus, some of the things you say make me wonder if your depression goes deeper than just gambling. Not trying to be funny...I'm being serious...

PPP, you don't know who I am, but I have read several of your posts on therxforum...mostly in the poker room section. I don't post that much on this site, and mostly just read others post. It is one of the most interesting forums I have found on the internet and come back often. Anyway, you seem like a pretty decent person and I enjoy reading about your poker knowledge and experience from time to time. A few years ago I used to play poker constantly, online and live. It became a chore after awhile and the fun was gone. I just came to the realization that the time and effort just to break even wasn't worth it. I forced myself to direct all of the energy I had from poker into another hobby. I think it's not even losing money that sometimes makes you come back to playing, its the fact that you want so badly to be successful at it. Maybe try to look for another hobby or area of interest that will take your mind off of gambling and poker. How about jumping into the fitness realm? Go to the gym a few days a week and try to get into the best shape that you can. Focus on your diet and becoming healthier. Going to the gym is good stress relief as well. Just a thought. There are many other things you can look into.

As far as the lung mass goes, don't get too concerned about that just yet. I am a RN, and do see people get misdiagnosed from time to time. Medicine isn't a perfect science. I work in the operating room, and have seen surgeons take out peoples appendix because they thought they had appendicitis, only to find something else was causing the abdominal pain, and the appendix looked fine. I would take your films to the best specialist you can find in your area. X-rays aren't the definitive tool detecting masses anyway. A CT scan or an MRI would be much better.

PPP - change is good once in awhile. I recently (Dec.) deleted poker stars from my pc and just flat out decided that I could use the time and money in more productive ways. Happy to say I don't miss online poker at all. Deleting the actual program from my pc seems to have done the trick.

As for the mass. Just hang in there man. Visualize the best and start living so you have no regrets when your time comes. We all have to punch that ticket some day, ain't no gettin around that. Best to be satisfied with what you've been doing with your life. No better time to start than now.