Just Show Him Your Badge

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"

LOL. That's pretty good.

Good one ....i like that

:missingte

lol funny shit

-murph

thats funny

few years ago I stopped at a guys house, he had just built a farm pond and it had no water in it yet. I asked the guy if I could go fishing. He explained there was no water. i told him I would still like to try. An hour latter I walked by his house with a string full of nice catfish, I waved to him and said thanx, as I got into my van.

Couple weeks latter, I stopped and told him I saw his honey suckle plant was in bloom and I wanted to harvest some fresh honey. He explained to me, you dont get honey from a honey suckle plant. I asked if I could try and he said, sure. About an hour latter, i walked back to my van with 2 buckets FULL of honey. The man looked perplexed as he waved goodbye.

About a week latter, i stopped by and said "mister, I see you have a pussy willow bush back by the barn.....", as I said that the man took off walking towards his house. I asked him where he was going. He said he was getting his good shoes on and he was coming with me..........

Betallsports said:

Click to expand...

<<<<

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

Love the one's above, here's one:

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says " Doc, for almost my entire life I have felt like a dog...can you help me"? The doc replied, "Well, I may be able to help. How long have you had this problem"? The man says, "Ever since I was a puppy." The psychiatrist immediately knew there was cause for concern and said, "Why don't you lie down on this couch and tell me about it". The man answered back harshly, "I'm not allowed on the couch!"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $300?"

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British
Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Couple of my old favorites


How Yodeling was Invented

Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down and the farmer went back into the house.
The farmer’s daughter came down from upstairs and asked the farmer, “Who was that man going into the barn?”

“That’s some fellow traveling through,” answered the farmer. “He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn.”

The daughter then asked the farmer, “Did you offer the man anything to eat?”

“Gee, no, I didn’t,” the farmer answered.

The daughter said, “Well, I’m going to take him some food.”

She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blonde hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer’s wife came down and asked the farmer why their daughter went to bed so early.

“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “I told a man that he could sleep in the barn and our daughter took him some food.”

“Oh,” replied the wife. “Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?”

“Umm, no, I didn’t,” said the farmer.

The wife then said, “I’m going to take something out there for him to drink.”

The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up and she had straw twisted into her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm.

A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. “Where’s the man from the barn?” she eagerly asked the farmer.

Her father answered, “He left several hours ago.”

“What?” she cried. “He left without saying good bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me!”

“What?” shouted the father. “He took advantage of you?”

The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!”

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth and yelled out,

(You ready for this?)

“I laid the old laDEE, too!”

So that is how yodeling came about.

:lolBIG: ... Good ones

Two Teenage Girls Sherry and Peggy wanted to go to the amusement park. The only problem is they needed to use Peggy's fathers car. So Sherry says Peggy why don't you ask your father if we can borrow his car. Peggy said I really don't want to because my father doesn't like me borrowing it. Sherry then says Just ask him we will have a great time..
So Peggy goes to her father and says Dad can I borrow the car. Her Dad says No Peggy you can't. Peggy says Please Dad me and Sherry want to go to the amusement park. Her Dad says you can borrow the car if you blow me.. Did you just say blow you? Her Dad says yes blow me..
Peggy then goes to Sherry and tells her.. Sherry says, Peggy Just close your eyes and pretend it's your boyfriend.. Peggy says ok.
So Peggy goes to her dad and says ok Dad whip it out.. So her Dad whips it out and Peggy Says but Dad you have shit all over your dick.
Her Dad says Oh thats right your brother already has the car...